Just the Ticket #235: Godzilla - Final Wars
a.k.a. The Ticketmaster.
Today, Ticketholders, Goj-Year-ra coverage of the Millennium Era ends not with a bang, but with a cheap, nauseating whimper of insincere flattery and poorly butchered pandering, topped with sixty-nine slices of expired cheese offscreen, and served under orange lighting in a mercury-plated toilet upholstered with glossy leather. While the toilet is flushing. And exploding.
But you wouldn't know that because the opening credits are so extra as to be borderline illegible (the lightning effects, the half-revealed, over-textured font, each name being onscreen no longer than a modern Crunchyroll subtitle, etc.). In fact, the entire first ten minutes of Final Wars is siezure- and/or vomit-inducing to look at, from the opening Atragon homage (where Manda looks like Shenron from Dragon Ball: Evolution and the sequence looks like it was filmed and composited during an actual earthquake), to the over-edited wannabe Matrix fight between Xavier and Magneto (I will explain shortly) that hits more like Ultrviolet or Ecks vs Sever and looks like a drunk David Fincher filmed a Beastie Boys video inside a running clothes dryer. I'm literally shocked that I still attempted to endure the remaining hour and fifty-five minutes after that.
So, what's with me making that X-Men reference?
Well, ten thousand years ago, the X-ians sent Gigan (two great, Jason-meets-Pinhead designs, played by Kazuhiro Yoshida, who also plays Hedorah here) to attack Earth, when he was defeated by Mothra (a practical/CGI blend as before) and began to infect the planet with its "M-Base" (a fictional, fifth DNA protein) blood, giving rise to every kaiju but her and Godzilla, as well as enhanced humans called Mutants (who basically have superhuman physical abilities and an instinct for combat, but the M probably stands for midichlorian because some Mutants—termed Kaisers—can use the Force, too). Humanity believes the kaiju and Mutants are a planetary response to our environmental buggery, but in actuality, the X-ians returned in modern times
I'd say Shinichi doesn't fare much better because the remaining cool factor on the human/Mutant/Xlien side of the plot(s) is eaten up by Captain Gordon (MMA fighter and pro-wrestler Don "The Predator" Frye in his first acting role, and if you see him and hear him and think, "this guy should play Mike Haggar in a Final Fight movie," he did, in a fan-film called The Broken Gear). But Shinichi is the main character, so he gets a predictably scripted antagonistic romance subplot with the hot scientist he's been assigned to guard (Rei Kikukawa), he's the only Mutant immune to Xlien Control (because surprise! He's not really a Mutant, he's a half-human, half-Xlien Kaiser—making him a literal X-Man—with the strongest Force powers ever that let him stop energy bullets with his mind and transmute Maser fire into radioactive ki; classic Chosen One bullshit to add to the roiling sea of other bullshit in this movie), he gets to fight the Controller one-on-one in a sequence that's cut to hell and back in an orange-filtered room and interspersed with kaiju action, but didn't make me want to vomit, and he helps Godzilla save the day with his Force powers.
Final Wars is such a cheap-looking mess that I've gotten ahead of myself and come to a loss for what I should take the piss out of next, so I'll just go back to the beginning of the part of the movie that doesn't make me want to puke (as much).
As soon as the hot scientist discovers the cocooned and petrified body of Gigan, every kaiju you love and/or tolerate from the Shōwa Era (and an Asylum CGI version of '98 Zilla, because making fun of him was a Millennium Era pastime) comes crawling out of the woodwork to cause global havoc. We're talking Anguirus (the best version of the character, suit-acted by Toshihiro Ogura, more known for his TV tokusatsu work, and he plays Ebirah here, as well), Ebirah, Hedorah, King Seesar, Kamakuras, Kumonga, Rodan, and a human-sized Minilla (Naoko Kamio, who has suit-acted as female Sentai Rangers and monsters from Megaranger through ToQger, and also plays Rodan here). But just when Temuzilla is about to chow down on a New York cop (Mick Preston, 2021's Night Shift) and a couple of offensive black stereotypes (Jungle Book 2016 VFX artist Darren Dupree Washington as "Pimp," and Martial Law II extra Michael-Anthony Vincent as "Drunk"), the X-ians/Xliens/Xillians show up to "help" by beaming away all of the kaiju and offering false promises of peace and technological advancement. But a failed assassination attempt reveals their true natures, the Earth Defense Force Mutants are activated, and a rebel faction consisting of Captain Gordon, Shinichi, sexy scientist, and sexy scientist's sexy reporter sister (Gordon hits on both women, by the way, and at least two others, despite an average age gap of twenty years and the other two being robots, and she's played by Maki Mizuno—no relation, as she and Kumi-san use the same stage name—in her first theatrical role). With the villains commanding an army of brainwashed kaiju and Mutants and threatening the Earth with a meteor (that the resistance discovers to be a composited hologram, but the script forgets this detail later and it's an actual meteor with the final boss inside), it's up to the heroes to free Godzilla from his icy tomb in Area G (so it's good that two women came along or the Earth would be doomed) so he can spend the next hour-plus of runtime jobbing and slaughtering all of the other kaiju (that the Controller conveniently sends down one at a time between jump-cuts to geographically incongruous locations, except for Ebirah and Hedorah, who are fighting each other for some reason, and Seesar, Rodan, and Anguirus, whom Godzilla defeats with soccer moves because this is a Shōwa homage). Godzilla's reawakening just happens. There's no rising from the ice with swelling fanfare, no badass roar to declare his presence; the heroes just say they're going to Area G, they go to Area G, some stupid extras provide unnecessary comic relief that doesn't land, and Godzilla's back after his opening Raids Again homage (which, if you're using Raids Again references in your continuity before the failed title drop and illegible opening credits, that means the only thing positive the audience can say is that they probably haven't thrown up yet, and worse things are to come.
Anyway, by a certain point in the kaiju action, I forgot that Mothra and Gigan had an ancient rivalry, but Gigan gets reawakened as well, then beheaded immediately by Godzilla despite being one of his most formidable Shōwa Era opponents, then rebuilt with double-chainsaw hands, so the Shobijin (Masami Nagasawa and Chihiro Otsuka, returning from Tokyo S.O.S. to collect their paychecks) summon Mothra (without singing, because this movie doesn't have time for moments that aren't "cool"), who gets jobbed almost immediately but beheads Gigan again (getting him to use his own attack like Goku did to Freeza on Namek) and explodes him by using her dandruff and a Super Sentai pyrotechnic to turn into Fire Rodan (which was pretty cool, but not as cool as what comes next).
The Controller decides he's Admiral Fujitora and pulls the fake-but-not-fake meteor down to Earth, and it crashes to reveal Monster X (suit-acted by Motokuni Nakagawa, known in Super Sentai as "Mr. Pink" because he doubles for Pink Rangers and I guess this review has two references to Dressrosa in it now). Monster X may be among the coolest looking kaiju in the franchise. It's like if H.R. Giger designed an undead Godzilla villain, it descends into frame in a Freeza pose (so I'm at least doubling up on Dragon Ball references, too), it breathes lasers from the vestigial heads on its shoulders, it's agile, it hits like a truck, and it's believable as a threat to Godzilla.
Too bad it's just Ghidorah. Again.
Yes; as if the fiftieth anniversary entry in the Godzilla franchise hadn't already treated its goodwill like Godzilla himself treats Tokyo with a stomach-churning first ten minutes, multiply plagaristic human plot, racial stereotypes, disrespect for its supporting kaiju characters (and its audience's time and intelligence), discount Spy Kids special effects, tone-slaughtering editing choices, and overstuffed but anorexic narrative, the second coolest final boss by Era (the top spot goes to Destoroyah from the Heisei Era) is sapped of all aura by the (painfully obvious and disappointing, because Final Wars really is just Invasion Of Destroy All Astro-Monsters again, but with better technology and worse execution, right down to the basic structure, villains, and boss kaiju being the same) reveal that Monster X
is just King Ghidorah for the sixth or seventh time, but German now because of the whole Xillian Kaiser thing.
But that's not what's truly important here.
See, amidst all of the other plots, the movie occasionally cuts to an old hunter (Shigeru Izumiya, of the Dr. Coto's Clinic series and movie), his grandson (Kenta Suga, mentioned above), and the human-sized Minya (looking considerably less melted and not talking like a Pokémon reject here, so...little mercies, I guess?), who they encounter in the woods somewhere. This trio aren't in the movie much, but serve as the cheering section for some of the kaiju fights.
That is, until Godzilla: Final Wars kind of redeems itself.
The last time we see Minya before the Monster X fight, he attempts an atomic breath blast, gets excited, and reminds us that Some Monsters Almost Attack exists by growing to Son Of Godzilla size.
So with Godzilla poised to crush or nuke the human and Mutant survivors, the cheering section steps in, human weapons trained on Godzilla and Minya, Godzilla ready to strike. But then, we get one of the most emotional pieces of imagery in the franchise, as Minya and Kenta stand back-to-back, shielding their kind from one another and exemplifying Shinichi's belief that differing genetics should not be a justification for conflict, and those with strength should protect those without it.
Definitely a message I agree with. Way more subtle than anything else in Final Wars (or any of the Heisei Era morals, frankly). Humanity needs to hear it. Especially in 2026. But if the Uncle Ben meme wasn't clear enough, it's just Final Wars providing more evidence of how derivative its writing is.
You're right, Gub; fuck this movie.
F+
With opinions out of the way, let's talk continuity for a bit, staying as judgment-free as possible. Like most of the Millennium Era, Final Wars is set in its own continuity as one of the many direct sequels to the original Gojira film from 1954. The villains, and the majority of the kaiju, are rebooted from the Shōwa Era. Even Minya, his design, powers, and attachment to a child, are improved upon from that Era. But the usage of archive footage in the opening has suggested to many fans that "FinalGoji" (as the suit is called, having a face similar to other Millennium designs but more classic dorsal plates) is the revived Godzilla Junior from the Heisei Era, or that Final Wars exists in some sort of multi-Era, amalgamated continuity.
But Japan famously doesn't care as much about continuity as modern American fandoms do, and I'm done caring about Godzilla: Final Wars, so Stay Tuned for my Zenescope - Omnibusted on Vampires: The Eternal and my final live-action Goj-Year-ra project review while I binge To Your Eternity and work on my big milestone project.
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10
Ticketmaster,
Out.
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