Ticket Stubs #9: Return, Reviews, and Revolutions

I'm back, the fog has lifted, the earth has shifted, now raise the gifted. You knew I'd be back, so pack your bone and Hit the Road, Jack, cuz SW@ is home.
That's right, Ticketholders. I had to take a break to get used to the new headquarters back in the day and develop some new material to replace my infrequent, uninspired freestyles, but I returned from my leave of duty to bring you the latest in movie reviews and other public bitchery, circa April 12, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #1: Return and Reviews):

First up on the roster is a review of the Great One's (now going by Dwayne Johnson) leading role in Walking Tall, a true-to-life character made famous by Joe Don Baker--Buford Pusser (a candidate for worst name ever) in the 1973 original--and later butchered twice by Kevin Sorbo.
The Cube (fellow cynic John Hudson) and myself got tickets to a special early screening at SDSU, and The Rock was at his best. Great make-up work covering his trademark Brahma Bull tatoo and his recent Lita-ish waste of skin, then painting on a military tat in their place. The Rock also gets to show off his slightly rusty football skills and the sense of humor and fighting skills that made him famous in the ring. No Rock-Bottom as he did in The Rundown, but a cool spinebuster through a nearby poker table, a trademark kick-up, and a custom 2X4 which he uses to take apart the security guards and slot machines in a corrupt casino. Adding some much-welcome comedy relief to the film is Johnny Knoxville, formerly of MTV's Jackass. The goofy sidekick can't shoot worth a shit, and the Rock (whose character has been renamed Chris Vaughn because the original name looked infected) had to save his ass in damn near every fistfight, but if you need someone with a chainsaw to search a car for drugs, he's insanely thorough. Last, but certainly not least is the much-welcome T&A. The casino features a strength-testing machine in which the first man to get their Hooter's girl to the top of the pole wins a wet T-shirt contest, and the Rock gets treated to a peepshow where he watches an old girlfriend strip behind glass (this same girlfriend is later involved in a gunfight where she is only wearing a bra and Daisy Dukes). In short, a great family film.
A

For those of you who haven't seen it yet, anyone who said Revolutions was a great way to end The Matrix Trilogy was either a complete nerd or completely  full of shit. Props go out to the special effects guys who made it possible, of course; but if you expected some profound revelation about who created the Matrix or a bloody climax to the war between Zion and the Machine Empire, expect to be disappointed.
To begin with, the brothers Wachowski-directors of the trilogy and Gods of the Matrix-kill off Trinity (played by Carrie-Ann Moss at her most deadpan), depriving viewers of any big sex scene between her and Neo (Keanu Reeves) that they might have been looking forward to (for that, rent The Matrix: Reloaded).  The end to the war was disproportionately peaceful when compared to the violence that practically filled the preceding two hours. Likewise, the climax of the Neo/Smith battle (as well as the ending to the movie itself) was a big, peaceful, confusing letdown of the kind usually reserved for kid-friendly anime.
However, Revolutions is not without its strong points. Laurence Fishburne and Jada Pinkett-Smith provide quality sexual tension between Niobe and Morpheus, even amidst a dogfight scene that's almost on par with Star Wars.
Once again, I must say that the visual effects are amazing. Everything from Neo's little Matrix tricks to the grandiosity of the mechs, sentinels, and the final pan-through of a Smith-filled Matrix is designed to impress (much like the Matrix itself, I suppose). And speaking of Smith (a cold-yet-charismatic Hugo Weaving), the final showdown between Neo and Smith (Original) is like something out of a Dragon Ball Z episode; a feat that has not been accomplished as impressively in live action before, and may never be again.
Unfortunately, with its greatly imaginative and violent spectacle being snuffed out by its confusing, happily-ever-after, ending-less ending, The Matrix (like its finale's title) sent this viewer in circles only to dump yours truly a few steps short of revelations.
B-

So to wrap things up, I began with my (slightly edited) review of Walking Tall, a movie I gave a nod to back in Just the Ticket #5: The Autobahn Society (Fast Five review) and then treated you to my Greatest Hits edition of The Matrix: Revolutions to avoid spoiling anything for the epicly Amish videophiles among you.
FYI: Greatest Hits is a collection of reviews of mine that I re-wrote and cleaned up for submission to the Columbia Basin Herald, an endeavor of mine that didn't pan out due to a low demand for critical writing at the budding Washington paper.
Stay tuned for the first edition of Cover Charge, coming later this week to a blog near you. But next time, I'll treat you to a little history lesson on the fake publishing company that is Timedrop Productions. I'm getting hungry, so the finishing touches on this will have to wait. Until then (as I used to say for the first few issues of SW@ Ticket), whether you chew it up, eat it up, or wash it down.....................
It AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL comes out the SAME PLACE!
SW@,
out.