Ticket Stubs #8: How to Kill Uma Thurman's Career AND Skilled Bill In Vol. 2

FROM August 31, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #16: Skilled Bill In Vol. 2): A long, long time ago, in a SW@ Ticket far away, Kill Bill Vol. 1 was under an attack. So now I find me a way to begin to talk your candyasses in to treating yourselves to a good
flashback. I said just bring it. My my this Tarantino guy. Once a major moviemaker now he's strictly smalltime. In SWAT Ticket #2 I kicked his stuck up behind saying "This is how your career's gonna die." And so it was Vol. 2 changed my mind. (btw: If you don't get the parallel to the "American Pie" song,
you must be frockin' stupid.)

Here's an excerpt FROM April 19, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #2: How to Kill Uma Thurman's Career, Vol. 1): Last issue, I reviewed the Rock's ass-kicking performance in Walking Tall and the confusing waste of film (but don't take my word for it) known as The Matrix: Revolutions. Not to be outdone, this week's reviews sucked harder than Paris Hilton in her sex video.
Up for the first bitch-slap is Kill Bill Vol. 1, in which a yellow leather-clad Uma Thurman looks sexy while slashing, punching, and kicking her way through a cast of fantastic characters that include a gang of Tuxedo Mask wannabes with swords.
Quentin Tarantino does an excellent job of putting his trademark touches on the film (chapter titles, big names, profanity-laden humor, non-linear plot). He even tries his hand at anime when doing a biography of Lucy Liu's character.
But other than that, the film falls flatter than Anne Heche's chest. When making an action film, it is best to put a slash genre on it (ie: action-comedy, action-thriller, action-drama). But NEEEVERRRRRR make an action film that's all action! Blood gushes in unrealistic geysers, there is no character development to speak of, the subordinate villains are complete morons, and (another Tarantino touch) the situations are so goddamned ludicrous that no one but Tarantino himself could understand or relate to any of it.
Case in point: a necrophiliac morgue attendant ("My name is Buck and I came to Fuck!") who drives a pickup with "Pussy Wagon" painted on the back. I mean, come on (poor choice of words on my part)! What dumbass hospital would hire a pervert like that?
Also, the soundtrack sounds like an irritating cross between the 1960's Batman theme and "Flight of the Bumblebee"--like there's a good way to mash up the two--and most of the dialogue is in subtitled Japanese. As a throwback to cheesy samurai showdown films, it succeeds, but as an interesting movie to actually sit through, it loses more blood than the cast.
C

A huge improvement over KB Vol. 1, Vol. 2 is everything that was left out of its predecessor: character development, humor, drama, quality action, and yes, even a plot! Michael Madsen is great as Bud, the bar bouncer and retired swordsman who works for Bill but caters to a lazy, penny-pinching, redneck boss at the local drunk tank. Putting on the nonchalant serial killer persona, he locks Uma Thurman's character (whose true name has been so far bleeped out and whom we just know as The Bride) in a coffin with a flashlight and buries her alive. Of course, The Bride breaks out, more pissed than ever--but still with that hired assassin's cool--and kills the one-eyed Daryl Hannah with Bud's retired sword (Bud, meanwhile has been killed by a black mamba and The Bride framed for his murder). While having a completely different, even un-Tarantino-ish, feel, Vol. 2 is still shown to be a Tarantino film with chapter titles, a big cast, flashbacks, and all that, but less annoying than the first half. And, as we expect from the title, The Bride does eventually Kill Bill.
The downside: Following all that, we immediately find ourselves inside the main villain's HQ--not knowing that is where we are until Bill himself (the unseen Carradine) pops up in the fine establishment with the usual villain's point-proving monologue and (so cliche) a dart full of ultra-potent truth serum. Where's your death ray and your swimming pool full of sharks, Bill?
In a non-sequitor plot twist, we find out that somehow, the previously miscarried child of Bill and The Bride survived a point-blank gunshot wound. The showdown between Bill and The Bride is brief, uneventful, and sappy, but Bill's speech on "The unique mythology of Superman" is quite impressive if a bit egotistical. The badass kung fu instructor Pai Mei is something wisely left out of the Matrix Trilogy, but otherwise he adds a little something to the film.
In short: A huge step up from Vol. 1, but we already know Tarantino knows movies. He don't have to make us choke on it.
B-

American Pie (C)&(R) 2002 (unfortunately) by Madonna.
All her rights should be returned to Don McLean, the OG of American Pie.
(Speaking of choking on things) Madonna, you suck, too.

The beginning is finally here, Ticketholders! Next issue is all about Revolutions, events that can change everything, or that can come back around on themselves over and over again to the point of pointlessness. What point was I trying to make again? (See what I mean?) Oh, yeah. That we're coming up on the first issue ever of my freshman column, SW@ Ticket, which at that point I had not yet named, nor had I devised any clever titles for my individual posts, other than calling my first post "Return and Reviews" because I had given up posting freestyle raps on the site after two or three (I sucked at it). As it turned out, my bout of laziness spawned a labor of love and hate that I continue to contribute to unto this very day. Too many "to"s. Here's a picture of a tutu:

Goodnight. Also stay tuned for a new Timedrop Production, titled Cover Charge; my take on the world of literature.