Ticket Stubs #53: The Terminal

Article by Sean Wilkinson,

a.k.a. the Ticketmaster.

Hey, Ticketholders! I am crack! As opposed to being on crack (like a large portion of my city of residence) or having my head up my crack (as is my natural state of existence).

Welcome back to Ticket Stubs, where, just like last week, I am going to repost an old review that I forgot was already reposted on here as one of the Ticketverse Throwbacks. Go give that post some readership love here, and please remember to like and comment down below, subscribe to my blog, and follow me on Tumblr, Reddit, Facebook, and now, Twitter again, for the latest news on my content.

I doubt that telling you the plot of the movie, giving away all the funny parts, and telling you it's the best thing I ever saw could in any sense be called a review (except that I now watch at least two movie reviewers on YouTube who do almost the exact same thing: Doug Walker and Decker Shado). I'm calling it a review anyway, such as I did reviews back in SWAT Ticket #7--then untitled, but later archived under the title, Terminal Philosophy, a nod to the 1994 Charlie Sheen actioner, Terminal Velocity (basically Point Break--the bad one--with no surfing, Russian spies, and Charlie Sheen, but I said that already and I'm running out of ways to nest interjections, so let's get away from that, shall we?)--a Yahoo! Groups post FROM June 28, 2004, re-worded in places to fit my current level of maturity as a writer.

I finally spent the money to see a movie in the theater, and The Terminal ALMOST lived up to its hype. Tom Hanks stars as a man from a fictional country trying to get to New York. In a totally Spielbergian plot setup, it turns out that while he was on the plane, he became a man without a country; the government that issued his passport no longer exists, so he cannot go home and he cannot enter America (or, in his comically accented words that I used in the above intro, "I am crack").
Confined to the International Transit Lounge (which is to an Airport Terminal what Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is to Shellshock. Political correctness, how do I love thee, let me count the ways...zero. I'm done), he must find a way to survive on ketchup packets and Saltines while keeping in good graces with the Airport Security Supervisor (played by Stanley Tucci) who wants to both keep track of Hanks and get rid of him at the same time.
So we have a villain who isn't a villain, a hero who weeps for a minute, then forgets the violent state of his country for the remaining hour or so of the film, a love interest (Catherine Zeta-Jones) whom he loves but who only finds him interesting, and friends who worship him and hang out with him but rarely support him.
While it's true that Spielberg does a great job of avoiding the usual carbon-copy nature of the romantic comedy (as one would expect from Steven Spielberg), he spreads his vision too thin here. It's shameless product placement meets insurgent hero's journey meets hopeless love story meets tragic loss meets creative comedy. Not many of these "meets" are wrapped up in any sense of the word, making The Terminal an unfitting title for something that feels so irresolute.
All I can say for the movie is this: when you're watching Jeopardy! and the clue comes up "The credits of this 2004 movie were composed of the cast and crew signatures" you can answer right away with "What is The Terminal?"
B-

Ticketmaster's Note: I can't believe I just now noticed that the acronym for Tucci's character's job is ASS. My juvenile mind from nineteen years ago should have made note of that!

Below is the original post from the GodsOfMelee Yahoo! Group (now defunct), as it was originally written, with unprofessional phrasing, very few paragraph breaks, and (because I was studying Computer Science, Logic, and Philosophy at SDSU at the time) logic notation. A single colon means "is to," and a double colon means "as" (not to be confused with ass, which is also a colon). Moving on....

FROM June 28, 2004 (SWAT Ticket #7): SWAT here again with another review for ya. Although I doubt that telling you the plot, giving away all the funny parts, and telling you it's the best damn thing I ever saw could in any sense be called a review. I'm boring the hell out of GOM, so let's get away from doing that, shall we?

I finally spent the money to see a movie in the theater, and The Terminal ALMOST lived up to its hype. Tom Hanks stars as a man from a fictional country trying to get to New York. In a totally Spielbergish plot setup, it turns out that while he was on the plane, he became a man without a country; the government that issued his passport no longer exists, so he cannot go home and he cannot enter America ("I am crack"). Confined to the International Transit Lounge (International Transit Lounge::Airport Terminal:Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder::Shellshock. What happened to 0% PC, people?), he must find a way to survive on ketchup packets and saltines while keeping in good graces with the Airport Security Supervisor (Stanley Tucci) who wants to keep track of Hanks and get rid of him at the same time. A villain who isn't a villain, a hero who weeps for a minute, then forgets the violent state of his country for the remaining hour or so of the film, a love interest (Catherine Zeta-Jones) who he loves but who only finds him interesting, and friends who worship him and hang
out with him but rarely support him. What a downer, man! True, Spielberg does a great job of avoiding the usual carbon-copy nature of the romantic comedy, but he spreads his vision so thin. Shameless brand-name plugs meet insurgent hero's journey meets hopeless love story meets tragic loss meets creative comedy. Not many are wrapped up in any sense of the word, so The Terminal is not a fitting title.
All I can say for the movie is this: when you're watching Jeopardy! and the clue comes up "The credits of this 2004 movie were composed of the cast and crew signatures" you can answer right away with "What is The Terminal?"
B-

SWAT
out

Did you agree with my assessment of the movie? Did you find my puns funny, cringeworthy, or not find them at all? Let me know in the comments, remember to like and share this post, subscribe to my blog, and follow me on Tumblr, Reddit, Facebook, and Twitter for the latest news on my content. Also, click those ads as you read so I can afford my own passport some day.

The Grimm Fairy Tales Retrospective is tomorrow, so Stay Tuned.

Ticketmaster,

Out.