Ticket Stubs #12: I'm Back (In Order) Part II

FROM October 5, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #20: Jersey Is Burning): I have been unable to post anything lately because Yahoo Groups is being persecuted by the assclowns who run San Diego State's Computing Center. For some reason, they have a problem with us these days. But they should know by now that hating the free movies they show is a fact of my life. Walking Tall was great (If ya smell what the Rock is cookin') and School of Rock had me rolling in the aisles, but Farenheit 9/11 is coming up next week so I say Fuck 'em.

Up for reviews today are two great (not excellent, not entirely Most Wanted, but great) movies.

First is Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl. The usual Kevin Smith staples (George Carlin, Ben Affleck--mental picture of Hitler and Judas passing out ice skates because hell froze over and Ben Affleck is actually in a worthwhile movie--but no Matt Damon and no Jay or Silent Bob) star as a father and son estranged by Affleck's marriage and Carlin's alcoholism and brought together by a daughter and a new love. To make art imitate life, Smith casts J-Lo as (ha-ha) Affleck's wife who--like their marriage--lasts about thirty minutes,
dies, and ruins Affleck's already crappy showbiz career. Liv Tyler (who had previous on-screen chemistry with Mr. Bennifer in Armageddon) is the video store clerk who catches Affleck renting porn with daughter in tow, invites him to lunch, screws him in the shower, and becomes his new love interest (in that order). Will Smith has a bit part as himself and, under hilariously tense circumstances, gives Affleck's character advice that will save his newfound career as a father.
Upside: Excellent comedy, cast, and general emotion. Jersey Girl is Kevin Smith's tribute to his late father, but presented in a way that shows why Clerks, Mallrats, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back were so appealing. The Sweeney Todd performance at the end, the sex jokes throughout, and the foresought Will Smith scene made a falsely-labled drama into surefire comedy.
Downside: The girl is too ugly to be J-lo's daughter and has too much personality to be Affleck's daughter (although he does fake a personality quite well this time). At the beginning it seems as if Affleck's character cannot distinguish between dead wife and living daughter. The looks he gives her, the dates he takes her on, even the way he holds her says "PERVERT" loud and clear. May just be a good attempt at showing the mental trauma of a man in that situation, but totally fuckin' creepy nonetheless.
B++

Second, we take a look at Man on Fire. Or as I saw it, Punisher with Denzel Washington instead of Thomas Jane. Washington is a retired military assassin on vacation in Mexico City when he gets recruited by a rich family (father played by Marc Anthony, J-Lo's flavor of the week) to guard their daughter (Dakota Fanning, Uptown Girls) from the city's rampant kidnappers. Adding names to the cast, we have Christopher Walken as Denzel's war buddy and Mickey Rourke as Anthony's twisted lawyer. Good pacing allows sufficient time for Washington and Fanning to get to know each other before she gets kidnapped and he snaps. Following is an hour or so of Punisher-style comedy, Walken-supplied explosions, some combinations of the two (including a C4 bomb inserted in a subordinate kidnapper's ass that allows Denzel five minutes of interrogation time before one learns the meaning of the term "holy shit!"), and predictable action movie intrigue before the whole thing winds down. Too long, but bearably so.
B-

Quote of the Week: "I eat four carbs and shit V8s"
If you didn't know already, we didn't want you to know.

That's it for the Back In Order Boxed Set, TH's! I have several hundred options to choose from regarding which of my Ticket Stubs comes out of the hat next, but I ultimately decided that the best way to follow up getting Back In Order is to get back to The Usual Crap, courtesy of SW@ Ticket #11. Stay tuned!