Ticket Stubs #14: An Extra Yard Into Hell
In the last Ticket Stubs, I commented that I hope Hellboy and The Whole Ten Yards would turn out to be better than the crap I had just reviewed, and spoiled the fun by saying that the answer was "a resounding NO!" Here's why:
FROM September 7, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #16.66: Hell Hath No Fury...): Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned. But Hellboy hath no fury, period.
Ron Perlman (voice of the Beast in some old, sappy Disney film locked by Miramax in that fabled Vault sometime in the recent past), not looking much different than the Beast--except for the red skin, giant stone hand, and cigarette habit--plays the title villain-turned-hero. As a "boy," he was ripped from Hell by the Nazis, recovered by the United States, and raised by the government to be a superhero. Good premise to start out with, but everything else goes wrong.
Apparently, the Nazis have been transformed into an evil version of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. We have a reincarnation of Rasputin (what Communists and Nazis have to agree on, I don't know or care), "Hitler's number one assassin" (a minor character who has so surgically and sexually mutilated himself that he's nothing but a zombie in a mechanical suit--far beyond 1940s technology--with ninja-like speed and samurai-style moves--strange place for a member of a racist organization to learn how to fight--created to ineffectively increase the blood and violence count in the film), a female lieutenant who does nothing interesting--created to (once again, ineffectively) add sex to the film--and a demonic dog that can regenerate, duplicate, and reproduce itself--created to add some loosely-termed "action" and "suspense" to the film.
The Bureau of Paranormal Defense (the good guys) are just as big a joke as the rest of the movie. Hellboy (the most original and endearing name the folks at Dark Horse Comics could come up with) is a demon without horns who is addicted to cigarettes and Baby Ruth bars and has a weakness for kittens in danger. Abe (named after Lincoln) is a fish-man who eats rotten eggs and conveniently has the ability to sense evil and see the future. Hellboy's human girlfriend (played by the usually suicidal Selma Blair and not seen until the last half of the movie when she becomes the damsel in distress) is a timid pyrokinetic--"don't call me that. It sounds like I have some kind of psychosis or something"--with an annoying voice and less-than-firey disposition.
Along for the ride are Jeffrey Tambor (the Hellboy-hating comic relief) and some no-name actor (playing the cocky new guy--a la Agent J from Men In Black, but more of a helpful ass-kisser). The comedy makes everything else bearable, and the fighting scenes are well done--if predictable--but fighting such a large-scale enemy (not just the Russians and Nazis, but the macroverse of Hell itself) on such a comparatively small battlefield (not the Earth as a whole, but only the streets and subway system of NYC) is ludicrous. Angel and Spawn were able to pull it off because their writers had at least a hint of creativity and an ounce of cerebral power among them.
I pray that there will be no thought or mention of a Hellboy 2.
D-
Ticket Stubs Update August 27, 2012: But there was thought, and mention, and action taken to produce Hellboy II: The Golden Army and a couple of direct-to-video animated films, none of which have made me want to bother. Next victim please....
The original title of this, from my Gods of Melee days, was Unlucky and Forgotten, as it is officially the thirteenth issue of SW@ Ticket, but as issue 14 of the Archive, it is now Doubly Lucky (two times seven, get it? No? Oh, well). Back to the reviews with a new intro:
FROM August 12, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #13: Unlucky and Forgotten): C'mon, baby, double sevens! Ticket Stubs keeps on rolling with double the luck and just as forgotten as ever. There are a few okay movies that got lost in my recent I-hate-every-movie-I've-seen jag that I want to bring to light.
The Whole Ten Yards takes the old cliche' one step further and returns with the same old crew. After dentist Oz Oseranski (Matthew Perry) and hit man Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski (Bruce Willis) wiped out the infamous Gogelak gang in The Whole Nine Yards, both go into the witness protection program (the FBI version, not the Sopranos version). The bad news is that a tenth yard presents itself when Johnny Gogelak's father Lazslo (a well-disguised Kevin Pollak) is released from prison. Taking a cue from Analyze That, The Whole Ten Yards packs in mafia-related humor and ends with a bunch of foreseeable plot twists and a big heist.
Matthew Perry comes to the brink of an unnecessary eleventh yard with his Chandler-esque, overdone and over-stupidified attempts at miming fear and falling on his face (it's probably in his contract that he must do both sequentially in every scene with a gun--which means every scene period).
But Bruce Willis proves that the John McClane persona still works for him, even when he's playing a hit man/master chef on the run. And with the Lazslo character's accent and catch phrases ("Maybe shooting him in the head will help him remember" or "Maybe breaking his leg will make him walk faster"), he provides most of the laughs.
Hit your video store for this one (do those even exist anymore?), but don't hit it too hard.
B-
Another forgotten feature this week was The Butterfly Effect. Ashton "Demi's Little Biotch" Kutcher plays a college student who had blackouts as a boy and began writing a journal as therapy. In college, he stumbles across the old journals and begins reading through them to try to remember what happened during his blackouts. When his girlfriend commits suicide, he discovers that his flashbacks are more than flashbacks. The time travel plot ensues as he tries unsuccessfully to improve her childhood and prevent her death. Finally he decides that they never should have met when they were children, and everything turns out fine. Ethan Suppley (Remember the Titans, American History X) has a bit part as Kutcher's college roommate, and Amy Smart plays the unknowing lady in distress.
Kutcher loses the girl and the Director's Cut ending sucked, but the DVD had some good stuff on chaos theory and time travel movies.
C+
And now for some more Copy-Wrong Infringement:
Ashton Kutcher is (C)&(R) 2003 by Demi Moore.
All viewers disturbed.
Demi Moore is (C)&(R) 1998 by Bruce Willis.
No one gives a damn.
Bruce Willis will return in the sixteenth installment of Ticket Stubs, but in the meantime, I thought I'd bring back the Critical Quickie next time to catch up on the plethora of Netflix selections I have rotting away in my brain right now. Stay Tuned and goodnight.
Ron Perlman (voice of the Beast in some old, sappy Disney film locked by Miramax in that fabled Vault sometime in the recent past), not looking much different than the Beast--except for the red skin, giant stone hand, and cigarette habit--plays the title villain-turned-hero. As a "boy," he was ripped from Hell by the Nazis, recovered by the United States, and raised by the government to be a superhero. Good premise to start out with, but everything else goes wrong.
Apparently, the Nazis have been transformed into an evil version of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. We have a reincarnation of Rasputin (what Communists and Nazis have to agree on, I don't know or care), "Hitler's number one assassin" (a minor character who has so surgically and sexually mutilated himself that he's nothing but a zombie in a mechanical suit--far beyond 1940s technology--with ninja-like speed and samurai-style moves--strange place for a member of a racist organization to learn how to fight--created to ineffectively increase the blood and violence count in the film), a female lieutenant who does nothing interesting--created to (once again, ineffectively) add sex to the film--and a demonic dog that can regenerate, duplicate, and reproduce itself--created to add some loosely-termed "action" and "suspense" to the film.
The Bureau of Paranormal Defense (the good guys) are just as big a joke as the rest of the movie. Hellboy (the most original and endearing name the folks at Dark Horse Comics could come up with) is a demon without horns who is addicted to cigarettes and Baby Ruth bars and has a weakness for kittens in danger. Abe (named after Lincoln) is a fish-man who eats rotten eggs and conveniently has the ability to sense evil and see the future. Hellboy's human girlfriend (played by the usually suicidal Selma Blair and not seen until the last half of the movie when she becomes the damsel in distress) is a timid pyrokinetic--"don't call me that. It sounds like I have some kind of psychosis or something"--with an annoying voice and less-than-firey disposition.
Along for the ride are Jeffrey Tambor (the Hellboy-hating comic relief) and some no-name actor (playing the cocky new guy--a la Agent J from Men In Black, but more of a helpful ass-kisser). The comedy makes everything else bearable, and the fighting scenes are well done--if predictable--but fighting such a large-scale enemy (not just the Russians and Nazis, but the macroverse of Hell itself) on such a comparatively small battlefield (not the Earth as a whole, but only the streets and subway system of NYC) is ludicrous. Angel and Spawn were able to pull it off because their writers had at least a hint of creativity and an ounce of cerebral power among them.
I pray that there will be no thought or mention of a Hellboy 2.
D-
Ticket Stubs Update August 27, 2012: But there was thought, and mention, and action taken to produce Hellboy II: The Golden Army and a couple of direct-to-video animated films, none of which have made me want to bother. Next victim please....
The original title of this, from my Gods of Melee days, was Unlucky and Forgotten, as it is officially the thirteenth issue of SW@ Ticket, but as issue 14 of the Archive, it is now Doubly Lucky (two times seven, get it? No? Oh, well). Back to the reviews with a new intro:
FROM August 12, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #13: Unlucky and Forgotten): C'mon, baby, double sevens! Ticket Stubs keeps on rolling with double the luck and just as forgotten as ever. There are a few okay movies that got lost in my recent I-hate-every-movie-I've-seen jag that I want to bring to light.
Matthew Perry comes to the brink of an unnecessary eleventh yard with his Chandler-esque, overdone and over-stupidified attempts at miming fear and falling on his face (it's probably in his contract that he must do both sequentially in every scene with a gun--which means every scene period).
But Bruce Willis proves that the John McClane persona still works for him, even when he's playing a hit man/master chef on the run. And with the Lazslo character's accent and catch phrases ("Maybe shooting him in the head will help him remember" or "Maybe breaking his leg will make him walk faster"), he provides most of the laughs.
Hit your video store for this one (do those even exist anymore?), but don't hit it too hard.
B-
Kutcher loses the girl and the Director's Cut ending sucked, but the DVD had some good stuff on chaos theory and time travel movies.
C+
And now for some more Copy-Wrong Infringement:
Ashton Kutcher is (C)&(R) 2003 by Demi Moore.
All viewers disturbed.
Demi Moore is (C)&(R) 1998 by Bruce Willis.
No one gives a damn.
Bruce Willis will return in the sixteenth installment of Ticket Stubs, but in the meantime, I thought I'd bring back the Critical Quickie next time to catch up on the plethora of Netflix selections I have rotting away in my brain right now. Stay Tuned and goodnight.
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