NPO #25: Questionable Advertising

Article by Sean Wilkinson,

Making better choices than corporate America?

Not that that's a high bar; I recently pulled a fake snack company out of a corporate responsibility crisis and helped them figure out how to make more money with social media and new chip flavors, and the best thing they really had going for them was brand recognition and the lamest slogan of all time.

I suppose "How do you dip your chip?" (not, "How do you dip your chip?" or, "How do you dip your chip?" with zero emphasis, not that either emphasis made it much better; the string of words itself is uninspired) is a better slogan than "remember to like and comment down below, subscribe to my blog, and follow me on Tumblr, Reddit, and Facebook for the latest news on my content," but I'm blogging, not selling imaginary, noisy, hard-to-chew slices of fried potato to influencer moms because my imaginary marketing department is too stupid to come up with their own flavor recipes.

"How do you dip your chip?" is also better than things like, "Head On; Apply directly to the forehead, Head On; Apply directly to the forehead, Head On; Apply directly to the forehead, Head On; Apply directly to the forehead, Head On; Apply directly to the forehead, Head On; Apply directly to the forehead...," and "You bet your sweet Aspercreme" or "Kick pain in the Aspercreme" (because the second 's' is invisible, and senior citizens like hearing commercials with ass puns in between episodes of Jeopardy! and Wheel Of Fortune). Yes, viral marketing works, but annoying repetition and stealth-cursing are just as likely to drive away brand loyalists as they are to neg-hook new audiences.

Speaking of hooks, don't you just love it when respectable brands put instrumental loops of songs with questionable lyrics in their commercials?

Take this Cadillac commercial from 2021 as an example:

It makes for cool, smooth driving music, right? Well, it also works on the assumption that the majority of people are unfamiliar with rap music, and so would not recognize "Nobody Speak" by DJ Shadow & Run the Jewels.

Don't get me wrong; I enjoy Run the Jewels' music. It's nerdcore rap with decent storytelling (nowhere near Atmosphere's level, but good), pop culture references, and high-profile collaborations like Pharrell, Zack de la Rocha, and Royal Blood. But if you ask me whether Cadillac and Run the Jewels fit together, I'd say no.

On one hand, you have a long-established, luxury car brand. On the other, you have a rap song about smoking coke-laced joints with the Peanuts gang (giving drugs to fictional minors), sodomizing wild animals, mutilating women, defecating on babies, committing acts of terroristic pyromania, mass murder, and oral sex, delivering a death threat while naked in a courtroom, and strangling confidential informants to death, among other things. So...why, Cadillac? Just...why?

Another questionable song choice was made by Lipton in this commercial:

Once again, the sample is chosen for its upbeat tempo and literally hummable melody to match a fun and upbeat commercial about a family picnic and all the things that Lipton claims are made better by their tea (to say nothing of the better ant population at such a gathering, or the large number of children who could go missing while "Mom" and "Dad" relax in the hammock, or "Dad" getting that lemon wedge stuck in his throat and dying in his sleep because choking seems to be a common theme here). And once again, the choice is made with little regard to those who would recognize the song and understand the meaning of its non-hummed lyrics.

So yes, this "family-friendly" commercial for iced tea is backed by a looped sample of "Son Of A Bitch" (itself marketed under the title, "S.O.B.") by Nathaniel Raetliff & the Night Sweats.

And again, I love this song. I just don't think it belonged in a Lipton tea commercial.

"S.O.B." is a song about a man with a drinking problem ("son of a bitch/gimme a drink," as the chorus begins), and it's clearly not tea that he is interested in. The character is in the midst of alcohol withdrawals so bad that he has heart pain, tremors, and he's hallucinating that there are "bugs crawlin' all over me," and he's begging the titular S.O.B. to let him drink one more night before he either gets himself into sober living or puts a gun in his mouth ("If I can't get clean/I'mma drink my bullet").

So if you have ever related to the man in the song, I feel for you. If I were a conventionally religious man, I would pray for you. If you currently relate to the man in the song, please get help. And if for some reason, you are violently, suicidally dependent on iced. Fucking. Tea. I will become religious just long enough to pray that you fall asleep with a lemon wedge in your mouth so Darwinism can take its natural course.

And finally, on to something much less dark, much more contemporary in its relevance (to the LGBTQ+ community, specifically), and much more idiotic and lazy in its usage. Of course, I'm talking about Melissa Etheridge's hit single, "Come to My Window." When I was a kid and subject to the sheltering music selections of my parents, the first cassette tapes I ever listened to (aside from Disney books on tape and edutainment media) were by Ace Of Base, Elvis Prestley, and Melissa Etheridge, and I was too young at the time to really understand that Melissa Etheridge was a lesbian, and that "Come to My Window" was about the joys and tribulations of being in a same-sex relationship because it was phrased in such a masterfully neutral way (the frustration and sadness behind the delivery of certain lines notwithstanding) that she could have just as easily--to my then-ignorant ears--been singing about a relationship with a male partner. But I understand it from a more aware perspective, and it feels more powerful to me now, even though I am a straight cis-man (which makes my "knowledgeable outsider behavior is problematic" comment from last week come off like hypocrisy, but I feel what I feel, and music is the great equalizer, so I don't care what they think and I don't care what they say). That was a little lyric reference for you all.

So what did Corporate America do with a song about two women sneaking around to hide their relationship from their family, friends, and the rest of hetero-normative society? They said, "hey, everybody! We're Applebee's, and we have a drive-thru now, so come to my window!" I did say something about that being lazy and idiotic and disrespectful, right?

What's that?

I didn't say "disrespectful" yet?

Okay, then; it's disrespectful to use a catchy, emotionally charged LGBTQ+ anthem like "Come to My Window" to sell people on the fact that your shitty little upscale fast food restaurant has drive-thru ordering now.

Hey, Applebee's? Do you want lesbians diving into your pickup window and violating food safety protocols while they wait for their girlfriends by the light of the moon? Because that's how you get that to happen.

Oh, and to keep things connected:  Congratulations on being able to make clueless, acne-faced YAs sound like the adults in a Charlie Brown special because drive-thru speakers are garbage! Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa? Yes, ma'am.

To recap, stop associating luxury cars with murder, terrorism, organized crime, human rights violations, and bestiality, don't become suicidally addicted to iced tea, stop making ass puns, don't end up with a pile of spontaneous, romantic lesbians in your kitchen (unless you're into that...), stop telling me how dy-no-mite it is to have Medicare Part D coverage, and if you or someone you know has died, please like and comment down below, subscribe to my blog, and follow me on Tumblr, Reddit, and Facebook for the latest news on my content. I'll be home soon. You can bet your sweet Aspercreme on it.

Ticketmaster,

Out. Of. My. Fucking. Iced tea!

I mean, Mind.

Goodnight!