Ticket Stubs #26: Up Shiznit Creek & Jumping the Shark

FROM January 13, 2005 (SW@ Ticket #28: Up Shiznit Creek & Other News): Starting off "Up Shiznit Creek Week," we have Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid. I couldn't tell you who was in it or what the snakes looked like, I couldn't tell the blood orchid from a bloodstain, and I couldn't tell what the hell I was watching or when it ended, but I didn't like it that much, and here's why:
#1: There was a J-Lo stand-in to make the movie seem like a sequel aside from the title, and she was less attractive than J-Lo so we would know from the start that it's going to be a bad sequel.
#2: Cheap special effects turned painted firehoses into obviously faked "monster" snakes.
#3: Horrible accents up the ass, so we know no one in this piece of crap can act.
#4: Dubbed-in voice so that the only watchable character turns from hero to some curiosity-drawing thing with a monkey on it's shoulder.
#5: The ending lacks a quality of ending-ness (ergo: there is none).
#6: The tragedies are predictable, so we're not really watching a movie, we're just staring at some hi-tech monolith like the apes at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
The monkey was enjoyable, the humor was average, and there were a few explosions, but nothing to really invest any time or rental fees in. Hell, the damned thing probably cost $3.95 to make.
F (with minus signs from here to Bumfuq, Afghanistan)

Quote of the Week: "Hey, that monkey has a Ross on its ass!"
-Matthew Perry as Chandler Bing, Friends

And where would we be but going up Shiznit Creek if we didn't have a paddle? Matthew Lillard, Seth Green, Ethan Suplee, and Burt Reynolds star in Without A Paddle; a comedy about three childhood buddies who honor their dead friend by going out into the wilderness to search for the lost treasure of real-life airline hijacker DB Cooper. All the gags about city boys in the country are here: Losing all supplies, being forced into humiliating situations, being abused by the wildlife and the elements, and running from the local freaks.
But that didn't make it any less funny. In fact, Without A Paddle is the least stupid stupid movie I've seen lately. The reason: it's a comedy, but it's not all comedy. Drama, comedy of various types, action, and mystery make this a well-rounded must-see laugh-fest (too-many-hyphens--must-stop-using-this-key).
A- (Most Wanted)

Quote of the Week #2:
"Well, one time when things was
Lookin' bright,
I started to whittlin' on a stick one night.
Who said, 'Hey! That's dynamite!'?
Nobody"
-Johnny Cash, "Nobody," American III

Now that we've made our way up Shiznit Creek, we've come to the ocean, where today's Critical Quickie finds itself in deep water, having to Jump the Shark:

Two-Headed Shark Attack--Carmen Electra, Charlie O'Connell, Brooke Hogan. My choice to subject myself to this SyFy Channel Original Movie was based solely on the desire to see the monster effects created by the old-school Monster Man himself, Cleve Hall, and I barely found them in evidence.
As in other sub-sub-sub-(etc.)-par creature features like Mega Piranha and Megashark VS Crocosaurus, the blood-to-scream-time-before-death ratio was unrealistic, the thrashing/munching of the creature in relation to the position of its victim(s) was obviously off by intolerable lengths, and the acting was pornographically awful, especially on O'Connell's part as the unflappably idiotic biology professor in charge of the rapidly dwindling cast of talentless chum who (shocker!) split up to have sex and race speedboats while both land and ship are sinking beneath their feet, bringing them that much closer to the jaws of yet another poorly computer-generated freak of nature.
The only thing that comes close to a saving grace for this piece of garbage is Brooke Hogan, whose performance as a recovering hydrophobic is the best acting Shark Attack can offer (which, unfortunately, isn't saying much about her or the film). There are some creative uses of the shark's whipping tail and second head that make for one or two impressive aerial kill scenes, but everything below water is murky, fake, and misplaced. Hopefully, the winner of Face Off will be put to better use than working on crap like this.
F (with even more minus signs from here to Shitonastiq, Kazakstan)

Like I said, don't expect this issue's Critical Quickie to be quick, and it wasn't. Next time, continue to expect the disrespected as Gibson and Shyamalan get their just deserts, along with a performance by Julianne Moore that is best forgotten.