Ticket Stubs #24: Plot Twists & Cold Mountain

At the time of this post's original writing, I had concocted a contest within the Gods Of Melee group wherein the winner (the person who most closely guessed the plot twist of the Denis Leary/Elizabeth Hurley comedy Dawg) would receive movie tickets to Spider-Man 2 at my expense. But because nobody cared enough to participate, I just wound up taking a friend to the movie instead. So before we get to the horror movie of the day, here's the synopsis with one line of criticism for Dawg and the two other non-horror selections that accompany Secret Window in this latest Ticket Stubs flashback.

FROM: July 1, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #8: Orders of Business): Thanx to you GOM candyasses, Win SW@'s Tickets was a complete friggin' bust. Yesterday was the final deadline. Nobody submitted a plot twist, so I was bored outta my gourd and have $30 more to my name. Oh well. Whether you people give 3/4 of a rat's ass or not, here's how the plot of Dawg really goes:
Denis Leary is a womanizing bastard who only cares about money. So when a beautiful lawyer (Liz Hurley) tells him his dead grandmother left him a million dollars, he jumps at the chance. Only he has a week to find twelve old girlfriends and get them to forgive him or the will is void. Although most of his exes have turned into freaks, he completes the task in time. Buuuttt............. It turns out that there was no inheritance. The lawyer was one of his old girlfriends, and set up the whole thing just to get even with him. They eventually wind up as friends, but the movie ends before the relationship really gets going.
It's like Broken Flowers, but funnier and less pointless, so I'll give it an
A-

Shade stars Sylvester Stallone, Thandie Newton, Melanie Griffith, Jamie Foxx, and some no-name who sounds like Chris-Walken-meets-Steven-Segal-meets-John-Malcovich-meets-Marlon-Brando. Classic crime caper about card sharks screwing each other out of thousands of dollars, then teaming up to beat the mob, the cops, and the best deck mechanic in America. The usual plot twists abound, but are seen only after the fact.
Small movie, big cast, confusing at first, but given a smooth, cool feel by the characters and their card tricks.
B+

Cold Mountain stars chick flick staples Nicole Kidman, Jude Law, and Renee Zellweger, as well as Phillip Seymour-Hoffman and the late great James Coburn. Civil War romance about two people who barely know each other periodically waiting for each other to return. Most of the good cameo characters are killed early, the heroes are made immortal throughout the film so that they can screw each other and get shot one last time before the credits roll. What almost saves the film is Zellweger's no-nonsense, take-charge, smartass character. Too bad for the rest of it.
D

Secret Window stars Johnny Depp, John Turturro (the butler from Mr. Deeds), Maria Bello (Touch), and Timothy Hutton (Leverage). Based on a Stephen King short story (see Four Past Midnight) about King's favorite character: a struggling writer who goes to his lake house for inspiration. A mystery man comes calling, saying Depp stole his story word for word ("Yew stole mah stawreh!"), and threatening physical harm if no changes are made. Almost thought I was reading the book instead of watching the movie. Great, if easily predictable, twist at the end. I've been seeing too many movies.
B+

Today on Critical Quickies, it's a triple dose of haunted house horror to get me caught up on the modern world:

Silent House--Third twin Elisabeth Olsen (Martha, Marcy May, Marlene) is followed around an old fixer-upper in a supposedly single continuous shot (a feature the movie leans on heavily) as she runs and screams in reaction to barely discernible human figures and the passing of semi-ominous feet she glimpses from beneath various pieces of furniture. No character development to speak of, an unoriginal plot twist (she's traumatized and hallucinating, oh no!), and a monotonously over-the-top scream queen performance from Olsen. She sold me on the scares, but where's the payoff?
D+

The Innkeepers--Sara Paxton (Enter Nowhere), Pat Healy (Rescue Dawn), and Kelly McGillis (Top Gun, and coincidentally, The Third Twin). As the title pair, Paxton and Healy investigate events at the Yankee Pedlar Inn (a real life "haunted hotel" in Connecticut) during its final days in business with the help of McGillis' actress/tenant/medium, and are unfortunately successful. As evidenced by the throwback cover design, it's meant to evoke nostalgia for an era before the slasher was king. Appropriately, the pacing and ominous solitude are far better than the hell-bent barrel roll I was yanked through in Silent House, but the subordinate character development was still weak and the payoff was non-existent. Check in if you like, but you may be sorry you checked this out.
C-

Apartment 143 [Emergo]--Gia Mantegna (daughter of Joe Mantegna) and Burn Notice cameos Kai Lennox and Michael O'Keefe. "Found footage" chronicles a team of parapsychologists and the family they are investigating for paranormal occurrences. All manner of ghost and psychic lore is explored as a possible cause (even possession is given its fair mileage) before degenerating into the much abused J-Ho archetype (dark haired girl in white who crawls on the ceiling), but nothing definite is really committed to. The performances dole out ample evidence to keep the audience involved without insulting our intelligence, the pacing stays at a happy medium, the cameras remain steady, and the payoff was open-ended, but frightening enough. Are we go for Emergo 2?
B-

Stay tuned for the next trip into Sub-Par Horrorland as lives get taken, ghosts get scientific, and Viggo Mortensen gets a horse.