Ticket Stubs #5: The Very SW@ Summer of 2005
Last issue, my Ticket Stubs series came full circle (but did not end, mind you) with a review of one of the best R-Rated comedies I've seen since American Pie. It being summer, and with me having already shared Wedding Crashers with a new generation of Ticketholders, I decided to re-release the rest of my "One SW@ Summer" issue in all its uncut, raunchily synopsized rantiness.
FROM September 15, 2005 (SW@ Ticket #44: One SW@ Summer): Here's a recap of my cinematic summer: Unfortunately, I did not get to see if Fantastic Four was as limited in potential and scope as the nutcase at the SD Reader believed it to be.
But fortunately, I was able to determine the best R-to-PG13 de-make, I saw a relatively low A- scare-fest with an unexpectedly 80s B-movie ending, and an almost bearable sci-fi flick. I am also fortunate to have "missed" Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and Sky High.
Enough hints and jokes; let's get back to business.......
They say the boundary between PG13 and R is that in a PG13 movie, you can only say fuck once, unless you say shit and asshole more than ten times apiece. Then you can't say fuck at all, but you can refer to sex as much as you want, or you can have sex a maximum of two times as long as no genitalia and only 3/4 of you ass is showing.
To "them," I say shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit,
asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole,
(_[_)
O->
O-+
fuck.
I think this review is R-rated now.
Bad News Bears adheres to the PG13 guidelines while staying true to the formula of the original; with a few changes: Walter Matthau is replaced by Billy-Bob Thornton as Coach Buttermaker, the Bears are sponsored by a strip club rather than the first film's bail business (exploited here as part of the "original character cameo" gimmick from many past remakes). I enjoyed watching Thornton as Buttermaker, amidst the quarreling, cursing, minimal-talent kids he is supposed to be coaching, and some of the kids were likeable as well. Maybe I've seen too many inspirational sports movies that are set to the tune of The Mighty Ducks (wherein the coach bonds with his team and works on their individual weaknesses) and am disappointed to find that element lacking in Bad News Bears (in which the coach gets drunk and relies on two good players and blind luck).
But Thornton works well to the Aesop effect as the drunk torn (as torn as one can get in a PG13 sports comedy) between proper fun and personal glory, and Greg Kinnear (somewhat pigeonholed here) provides the moral-changing force as an undefeated coach and baseball dad who's all business. It isn't whether you profit or lose; it's how you make the film.
A-
Another victim of the PG13 blues is The Longest Yard. Adam Sandler is Paul Crewe, Burt Reynolds is Nate Scarborough, Chris Rock is Caretaker, and ex-wrestlers Steve Austin, Kevin Nash, and Bill Goldberg have supporting roles as, respectively, two prison guards and a member of Mean Machine. Courtney Cox has a small part as Mrs. Crewe, and James Cromwell (pigeonholed) is the warden. On the negative, Chris Rock and the general prison environment have been watered down for mass appeal, and Steve Austin uses the "N-word" too many times for my taste.
The upside: the car crash in the opening scene has been amped up, a gag has been added in which a guard's steroid pills are replaced with estrogen, Burt Reynolds has moved beyond being Norm McDonald's SNL punching bag, slow-motion technology has much improved since the original film, and (as The Longest Yard is now a Happy-Madison Production) Rob Schneider is sitting in the stands where he should be, yelling "You can DO eeeet!"
Different from the 80s version, but not much better.
B+
Here come The Dukes of Hazzard (County, that is. Gold-Plated Crap, PG13). Well, the first thing you know...Singer and master joke-teller Willie Nelson is the perfect pick for Uncle Jesse. Jessica Simpson has some nice parts (if you know what I mean), but Daisy Duke could have been put to better use. Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville steal the film as Bo & Luke Duke while lowering its potential to be a complete Hazzard. Great car work and general comic mayhem, but with the git-r-done plot (assuming everyone, no matter their age, has seen the series) and Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg (trying to win the award for Best Straw Man in a Villain Role Ever) Dukes seems more like a really long, pointless filler episode than the movie it should have been. Y'all come back now, y'hear?
C-
Pardon my metaphor-mixing on that last review. Now for some movies that scared the crap out of me, but were to some degree, crap.
Working up from the bottom, we have The Cave. Basically Aliens V. Predator meets Resident Evil underground without any kind of back story or guns. Parasitically mutated humans, living in the largest underground river ever discovered, prey on an expert cave-diving team.
Is it in Transylvania? I don't know. Where did the mutants and/or parasites come from? No information there. Is there any talent in the cast? Very...verryyy little. Should this have been a made-for-TV SyFy Channel Original instead of a feature motion picture? Definitely. Should you waste your money to even rent it? Hell no.
F
War of the Worlds: hailed by some as a brilliant masterpiece of paranoia and otherworldly terrorism; condemned by SW@ Ticket as sound and gigantic egos signifying nothing, explaining very little, and showing Tom Cruise way too much.
The terrorism is evident only in the presence of the National Guard and expressed by a single stupid question (seeing the Martian tripods, Dakota Fanning--the best young actress to hang with aliens since Drew Barrymore--asks "is it the terrorists?" Here's yer sign, girl). The paranoia is embodied in Tim Robbins' character, a crazy, drunk resistance fighter.
Cruise and the magic of Spielberg are the only components of the film given any screen time or justification. Not even the Tripods, the main source of peril in Worlds, or Cruise's on-screen son (who seemingly dies in a warzone near the halfway mark) are worth explaining.
Some live, some die, and that ups the bottom line. The father-daughter dynamic was a nice focus, but wife, son, and home have a place, too.
D+
Kate Hudson gets away from the bubbly romantic comedy/sister drama routine for her role in The Skeleton Key as caretaker of an old house with a bad history (see SMG in The Grudge or Naomi Watts in the Ring movies) run by an old woman and her husband, who suffered a stroke as the result of some scary happenings at the house. Hoodoo (bayou folk magic--not to be confused with voodoo, a religion) conjures up a unique twist on the supernatural genre, but the usual forseen character alliances and plot twist (surprisingly B-movie for a 21st century thriller) persist. The formula is old, but the little tweaks rarely fail in their novelty.
B+
Quote of the Week: "Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it!"
-Willie Nelson as Uncle Jessie
My Spider-Man issue passed the 30-reader mark in just two days, making it the biggest, most successful of my posts thus far. I hope you have enjoyed this summer edition as much or more, and that you Stay Tuned for Red Eyes and white knuckles as we change the Flightplan for another re-issue that showcases horror at its highest.
FROM September 15, 2005 (SW@ Ticket #44: One SW@ Summer): Here's a recap of my cinematic summer: Unfortunately, I did not get to see if Fantastic Four was as limited in potential and scope as the nutcase at the SD Reader believed it to be.
But fortunately, I was able to determine the best R-to-PG13 de-make, I saw a relatively low A- scare-fest with an unexpectedly 80s B-movie ending, and an almost bearable sci-fi flick. I am also fortunate to have "missed" Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and Sky High.
Enough hints and jokes; let's get back to business.......
They say the boundary between PG13 and R is that in a PG13 movie, you can only say fuck once, unless you say shit and asshole more than ten times apiece. Then you can't say fuck at all, but you can refer to sex as much as you want, or you can have sex a maximum of two times as long as no genitalia and only 3/4 of you ass is showing.
To "them," I say shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit,
asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole asshole,
(_[_)
O->
O-+
fuck.
I think this review is R-rated now.
Bad News Bears adheres to the PG13 guidelines while staying true to the formula of the original; with a few changes: Walter Matthau is replaced by Billy-Bob Thornton as Coach Buttermaker, the Bears are sponsored by a strip club rather than the first film's bail business (exploited here as part of the "original character cameo" gimmick from many past remakes). I enjoyed watching Thornton as Buttermaker, amidst the quarreling, cursing, minimal-talent kids he is supposed to be coaching, and some of the kids were likeable as well. Maybe I've seen too many inspirational sports movies that are set to the tune of The Mighty Ducks (wherein the coach bonds with his team and works on their individual weaknesses) and am disappointed to find that element lacking in Bad News Bears (in which the coach gets drunk and relies on two good players and blind luck).But Thornton works well to the Aesop effect as the drunk torn (as torn as one can get in a PG13 sports comedy) between proper fun and personal glory, and Greg Kinnear (somewhat pigeonholed here) provides the moral-changing force as an undefeated coach and baseball dad who's all business. It isn't whether you profit or lose; it's how you make the film.
A-
Another victim of the PG13 blues is The Longest Yard. Adam Sandler is Paul Crewe, Burt Reynolds is Nate Scarborough, Chris Rock is Caretaker, and ex-wrestlers Steve Austin, Kevin Nash, and Bill Goldberg have supporting roles as, respectively, two prison guards and a member of Mean Machine. Courtney Cox has a small part as Mrs. Crewe, and James Cromwell (pigeonholed) is the warden. On the negative, Chris Rock and the general prison environment have been watered down for mass appeal, and Steve Austin uses the "N-word" too many times for my taste.The upside: the car crash in the opening scene has been amped up, a gag has been added in which a guard's steroid pills are replaced with estrogen, Burt Reynolds has moved beyond being Norm McDonald's SNL punching bag, slow-motion technology has much improved since the original film, and (as The Longest Yard is now a Happy-Madison Production) Rob Schneider is sitting in the stands where he should be, yelling "You can DO eeeet!"
Different from the 80s version, but not much better.
B+
Here come The Dukes of Hazzard (County, that is. Gold-Plated Crap, PG13). Well, the first thing you know...Singer and master joke-teller Willie Nelson is the perfect pick for Uncle Jesse. Jessica Simpson has some nice parts (if you know what I mean), but Daisy Duke could have been put to better use. Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville steal the film as Bo & Luke Duke while lowering its potential to be a complete Hazzard. Great car work and general comic mayhem, but with the git-r-done plot (assuming everyone, no matter their age, has seen the series) and Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg (trying to win the award for Best Straw Man in a Villain Role Ever) Dukes seems more like a really long, pointless filler episode than the movie it should have been. Y'all come back now, y'hear?C-
Pardon my metaphor-mixing on that last review. Now for some movies that scared the crap out of me, but were to some degree, crap.Working up from the bottom, we have The Cave. Basically Aliens V. Predator meets Resident Evil underground without any kind of back story or guns. Parasitically mutated humans, living in the largest underground river ever discovered, prey on an expert cave-diving team.
Is it in Transylvania? I don't know. Where did the mutants and/or parasites come from? No information there. Is there any talent in the cast? Very...verryyy little. Should this have been a made-for-TV SyFy Channel Original instead of a feature motion picture? Definitely. Should you waste your money to even rent it? Hell no.
F
War of the Worlds: hailed by some as a brilliant masterpiece of paranoia and otherworldly terrorism; condemned by SW@ Ticket as sound and gigantic egos signifying nothing, explaining very little, and showing Tom Cruise way too much.
The terrorism is evident only in the presence of the National Guard and expressed by a single stupid question (seeing the Martian tripods, Dakota Fanning--the best young actress to hang with aliens since Drew Barrymore--asks "is it the terrorists?" Here's yer sign, girl). The paranoia is embodied in Tim Robbins' character, a crazy, drunk resistance fighter.
Cruise and the magic of Spielberg are the only components of the film given any screen time or justification. Not even the Tripods, the main source of peril in Worlds, or Cruise's on-screen son (who seemingly dies in a warzone near the halfway mark) are worth explaining.
Some live, some die, and that ups the bottom line. The father-daughter dynamic was a nice focus, but wife, son, and home have a place, too.
D+Kate Hudson gets away from the bubbly romantic comedy/sister drama routine for her role in The Skeleton Key as caretaker of an old house with a bad history (see SMG in The Grudge or Naomi Watts in the Ring movies) run by an old woman and her husband, who suffered a stroke as the result of some scary happenings at the house. Hoodoo (bayou folk magic--not to be confused with voodoo, a religion) conjures up a unique twist on the supernatural genre, but the usual forseen character alliances and plot twist (surprisingly B-movie for a 21st century thriller) persist. The formula is old, but the little tweaks rarely fail in their novelty.
B+
Quote of the Week: "Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it!"
-Willie Nelson as Uncle Jessie
My Spider-Man issue passed the 30-reader mark in just two days, making it the biggest, most successful of my posts thus far. I hope you have enjoyed this summer edition as much or more, and that you Stay Tuned for Red Eyes and white knuckles as we change the Flightplan for another re-issue that showcases horror at its highest.
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