Ticket Stubs #2.5: Spider-Man Then & Now
Ticket Stubs so far is doing really well. The first issue got 27 hits in one day. Not big by modern standards (like, 100,000,000 hits or so), but it's the biggest audience of any of my posts so far. As promised, today's issue of Ticket Stubs--a decimal issue, as was the original "Then & Now"--is an updated, mega-sized, Marvelous Edition of my look back at the saga of series' and cinema starring Spider-Man.
FROM April 28, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #3.5: Spider-Man Then & Now): I have always been a big fan of all things Spider-Man. I had never missed an episode of the old Marvel Spider-Man series (fuck all that Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends bullshit. Anything that reminds me of the Superfriends makes me reach for the barf bucket), and when the Spider-Man movie (a candidate for the Most Wanted Movie of the Week) came out on my birthday, I just had to see it. And I plan on seeing Spider-Man 2 when it comes out. Call me a freak or a geek, but Stan Lee wrote some good shit! In this special edition, I will review the Marvel Spider-Man series, Spider-Man Unlimited, the MTV Spider-Man 3D series, and new additions to the collection, circa July 24, 2012, Spectacular Spider-Man and the Man Of Action-produced Ultimate Spider-Man.
Good things about the Marvel Series:
1) Kick-ass villains - Kingpin, Rhino, Shocker, Dr. Octopus, Venom, Carnage, Green Goblin, Scorpion, Mysterio, etc. Too many to count and too cool to miss.
2) Great cameos - Daredevil, Punisher, Iron Man and War Machine, the X-Men, Blade, Captain America, and the Fantastic Four. If they haven't had a movie yet, they will very soon.
3) Voice talent - Ed Asner voices Jonah Jameson and Mark Hamil (best known for his work in Star Wars and as the Joker in the old Batman series) voices Hobgoblin.
4) The storyline - The villains are introduced well and do major damage. Very comic book authentic. Long and confusing but for the most part well done.
5) The look - Done in 2D animation, but drawn better than the comic. Some landscape scenes and laboratory equipment have a 3D look that uses realism where the plot is completely unbelievable.
What sucks about the Marvel Series:
1) There are so many tiebacks to earlier episodes, and so many episodes to tie back to, that a viewer can get lost or bored very easily.
2) Mary Jane's "death" at the hands of the Green Goblin - She gets sucked into interdimensional limbo, then Spider-Man sends the Green Goblin to the same place. Sure, he was pissed, but he trapped his girlfriend in an alternate universe with a complete psychopath! Somethin' wrong with this picture, buddy.
3) Mary Jane's return - She "comes back," Spider-Man shows her his secret identity, MJ and Peter finally get married after 50 billion episodes, then Peter finds out she is an unstable clone who evaporates in his arms. All that for nothing? Whathefuck?
4) The ending - The series ends with the doctor who cloned MJ finding a sample of Spider-Man's DNA (setup for the whole Ben-Reily-Peter-Parker-who's-the-clone plot from the comics) and Spider-Man flying
off with some old goddess named Madam Web to find Mary Jane. They cancelled the series before Peter could find the real Mary Jane!!!
FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D
Good things about Spider-Man Unlimited:
1) The suit - Tiny robot spiders crawl out of Peter's watch and form the Spider-Man costume. He has impact webbing, glider wings under the arms, and a stealth mode that makes him invisible.
2) It's not available for sale or rent anywhere.
3) That's about it. On to the crap.
Why they screwed up:
1) Unlimited didn't pick up where the other series left off. It's a needlessly whole new plot with mediocre villains and unrealistic situations (yes, even for Marvel it's unrealistic).
2) It's poorly drawn - The colors are too bold and every character is heavily shadowed. They tried to make it look like a comic book, but it just wound up looking like shit.
3) When the plot finally grabbed my attention and things were coming to a climax, the morons at Fox started showing reruns and cancelled the series.
F (can I go any lower, please?)
Spider Man: The New Animated Series
This series picks up where the movie left off, with Peter and Mary Jane's relationship uncertain, and Harry Osborne pissed at Spider-Man for killing his father (but not really knowing that his father was the Green Goblin). It's on MTV, but I don't know the time.
The villains are cool, even the made-up ones.
The voice talent rules! Niel Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser) is Peter/Spider-Man, Lisa Loeb (known for her hit "Stay") is Mary Jane, Ian Ziering (Beverly Hills 90210) is Harry Osborne, Michael Clarke
Duncan (Daredevil) reprises his role as Kingpin, David Carradine (Kung Fu) is Jonah Jameson, Rob Zombie does the voice of the Lizard, Ed Asner (mentioned above) is the chief of police, Stan Lee
(mentioned above) has a cameo in the last episode as the guy in the cemetery, and Kieth David (Men at Work) has a cameo as an FBI agent.
The humor is great. Spider-Man always has something witty to say right before he kicks a bad guy's ass, and watching him try to stand up and shoot straight webs while hung over on animal tranquilizer was
fucking hilarious.
The look can go either way. In the first episode, I felt like I was playing Pa Rappa The Rapper, not watching Spider-Man. But as the series went on I could see marked improvement to the point where I thought I was watching the movie.
The ESP machine episode was completely stupid and unnecessary. I didn't laugh and there wasn't a supervillain. That girl better come back in season 2 with the ability to levitate a bullet train, and that's all I got to say about that.
The designers didn't do some of the villains justice. In the Marvel series, Lizard was an 8ft man-beast who lived in the sewer and had a 10ft tail that could tear down a brick wall in one swing, Electro was a human doomsday machine, and Kraven fought Spider-Man bare handed. Now they're just small-timers, oppressed nerds, and generally weak bastards. Plus Kraven just pops up with no development or back story.
SWAT Ticket Update 6/29/2011: There never was a second season to tie up the loose ends from season one. I am very disappointed.
This is a really cool series, so GET IT IF YOU CAN FIND IT!
Series: B+
Special Features: B-
Spectacular Spider-Man:
Yet another re-boot (because people got tired of hearing and/or using the terms "re-imagining" and "remake") of a "failed" franchise, but actually a good effort this time around.
I had started reading the ASM comics from book one about the time the SSM series came out, and was pleased to see that (like the new ASM movie) they didn't start right in with Peter dating Mary Jane, but instead opted to begin at the beginning, with classic characters like Gwen Stacy and the Enforcers, and built whole seasons around the development of the Green Goblin and Venom.
The art was a bit clumsy, giving the characters untextured coloring and boxy edges that any amateur could capture with a paint bucket and line tool in any given piece of image software.
The tone of the whole thing was too silly. I know Spider-Man is supposed to be this extroverted, jokey, teenage superhero, but there are some things (like the SSM incarnation of Venom--who was given the complete physiology-morphing powers he had in the SMU series and a campier breed of rage) man was never meant to tamper with.
The series still held my interest, though, thanks in part to the awesome theme song by The Tender Box, and I was disappointed to see it cancelled like all those Spider-Shows before it.
A-
Ultimate Spider-Man:
From Man of Action (the people who brought you Ben 10 and Generator Rex) comes--yes, another one--the excessively anime-infused Ultimate Spider-Man, the juvenile partner to the mostly straight-laced, superior Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes. In USM (adapted from a Marvel Universe that some, including myself, find to be a sacreligious mistake), a novice Spider-Man teams with young versions of Nova, White Tiger, and the Heroes for Hire (Luke Cage and Iron Fist) to learn leadership responsibilities and become a more consequence-aware hero.
Like almost everything else since the animated series of the late 90's, SMU is poorly drawn crap, this time "punched up" by fighting game graphics ("Spidey VS The Fearsome Four! Round 1.... Ready? FIGHT!" and "BOOM!" "POW!" "ZZZZZTTT!" "THWIP!"), anime-style chibi shouting matches, and the kind of fourth wall narration that make Saved By the Bell, Scrubs, and Seth McFarlane cartoons so childishly annoying. By the way, the universe would be pissed to know that I've stopped time to type all these criticisms and witticisms for my own amusement, if not for yours. And now, for no reason at all, a picture of dogs playing poker:
But like any good waste of time, money, and spandex, Ultimate Spider-Man delivers serious fight scenes amid all the pies in the face and atomic wedgies, and has some worthwhile voice talent, including Clark Gregg and J.K. Simmons reprising their movie roles as Phil Coulson (now a high school principal?) and J. Jonah Jameson (usually shouting epithets from JumboTrons around the city like some curmudgeony Hitler before Spidey kicks a villain through the monitor), Ben 10: Ultimate Alien's Greg Cipes as Iron Fist, and Wings star Steven Weber (with a British accent?) as the always sinister, self-serving Norman Osborn.
The only reason I'm even watching it is to see if it gets any better, and so far, it hasn't.
D-
FROM July 13, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #11: SW@-ing the Spder-Sequel): SW@ Ticket and Cube Root team up once again to see Spider-Man 2. It was (like LOTR, etc.) the coolest movie I have ever seen. But seeing as how I hate both Michael Moore (for Farenheit 9/11) and the movie critic at the San Diego Reader (for liking Farenheit 9/11 better than Spider-Man 2) who are both politically biased assclowns, I will lay the Smackdown on two birds with one stone by bitching about what's wrong with Spider-Man 2, then giving it my highest score to date.
Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, and James Dean (I mean James Franco--oops!) return as Peter Parker/Spider-Man, Mary Jane Watson, and a pissed-off Harry Osborne, respectively. As in the MTV cartoon, Parker is always late for college, MJ is a frequently disappointed stage actress, and Harry blames Spider-Man for killing his father (who he still doesn't know was the Green Goblin in SM1). Well-drawn sketch translations of memorable scenes from the original provide background during the sequel's opening credits, comic moments involving Peter's dual role slowly lead him to doubt his purpose and lose his powers as Spider-Man, the usual brand of mad science creates a mad scientist of sorts (what are the chances of that happening?) in the person of Dr. Octavius (who--in a coincidence that only comic books can provide--winds up with eight arms), Spidey slowly and--for him--with excruciatingly subtle reminders, regains his self confidence and powers, reveals his secret identity to damn near everybody in the movie, and then kicks ass and gets the girl. The trend of big-name actors playing big-name villains is continued when Alfred Molina (recently in Frida) makes the role of Doc Ock in place of Green Goblin Willem Dafoe. The fight scenes are taken to a whole new level by Doc Ock's ability to scale walls and use four extra arms, each with an attachment library that would rival any Swiss Army knife.
Spidey has also been amped up with a more hectic use of his reflexes and the added ability to fire impact web balls. And Doc Ock's "wake-up" scene scared the hell out of me. That's all well and good, but what made the film for me was Jonah Jameson's big mouth, Aunt May hitting Doc Ock in the back of the head with her umbrella, Bruce Campbell (recently in Bubba Ho-tep) playing the obnoxious usher who won't let Peter into MJ's play when he arrives late, and Yoko Ono as a street performer trying to sing the Spider-Man theme.
My only gripe other than the Spider-Man 3 plot spoiler at the end is that everybody's so fat. Tobey Maguire looks like the make-up guy filled his cheeks with collagen, and Alfred Molina has a beer gut to rival Bad Santa, but they're the two strongest people in the movie. And what happened to the redhead? Putting a 2 on the end of the title diluted MJ's hair color by 50%.
So if you haven't seen Spider-Man 2, SEE IT! And if you haven't seen the first one, SEE IT FIRST!
A+ (SWAT Ticket Most Wanted)
Smackdown is (C) & (R) by WWE and Vince McMahon.
Spider-Man is (C) & (R) by Stan Lee and Marvel Comics.
Farenheit 9/11 is a piece of crap by Michael Moore and the corporate satellites of Disney Enterprises.
All Rights Reserved.
FROM July 29, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #12: Spider-Man's Future & The Usual Crap): Hey GOM'ers! Thanks to your lack of loyal readership, SW@ Ticket is up to its twelfth issue without so much as a terrible effword sent my way. So I decided to put on a stupid-looking uniform and get a job bagging groceries at Ralphs while you suck your thumbs with your @$$#013$. SW@ returns with a triumphant "I'm Back!" followed with a less than triumphant "My Back!" (somewhat akin to everyone's favorite spandex-wearing ATM, but without the spandex or falling from a rooftop).
And speaking of Spider-Man, it has recently come to my attention that Stan Lee's vision will be screwed up once again (giving Spider-Man unlimited webbing was inauthentic but paid off bigtime) as, in the third film, Harry Osborne will take revenge on Spider-Man as the Hobgoblin (props for not doing two Green Goblins in a row, but they could have introduced Jason P. Macendale--the true Hobgoblin--as another hired gun with Osborne as his payroll). Also in the future, recently introduced science professor Kurt Connors is slated to turn into the Lizard for Spider-Man 3 or 4, MJ's short-time flame and almost husband John Jameson is said to be transformed into the unheard-of villain Man-Wolf (they could have used JJJr to introduce Venom as in the comics, but noooooooooo), and Kirsten Dunst is pushing to see Spider-Man die in a coming sequel. Bring on the Clone!
SWAT Ticket Update, July 13, 2011: Since the box-office failure of an overstuffed Spider-Man 3, the franchise is scheduled to be revamped this year with Andrew Garfield (WHO???!!!!) as Pete/Spidey and a likewise unrecognizable cast. As promised following Spider-Man 2, the Lizard will be the main villain. Also, in an authentic turn of events, original flame Gwen Stacy is slated to be a character in the reborn Spider-Man. I am turned off by this new development and have my sights and hopes set on the success of the Avengers franchise. Good luck, Marvel! And now, back to our irregularly syndicated non-program:
FROM April 5, 2005 (SW@ the Hell #2: Spidey 3 Goes to Church): Hopefully 94.9 has been smoking too much pot, because I heard a few days ago that Thomas Haydn Church (best known for playing bumbling idiots on Wings and Ned & Stacy, more recently in the Award-Winning movie Sideways) is scheduled to play an "unknown villain" in the next Spider-Man sequel. I was disappointed that Jimmy Dean Franco was going to play the Hobbgoblin (inauthentic to the comics because Harry Osborne was the second Green Goblin, and new face Jason Phillip Macendale was the Hobbgoblin). But now I am disappointed because, after finding high-caliber actors like Alfred Molina and Willem Dafoe, the best they could come up with was some sitcom idiot like Church. Sure, it would be interesting, but as Chris Rock said, "Who is Jude Law? He's been in everything lately, but WHY?" Or rather, SW@ the Hell?
If the Lyric Fits:
"Can you save me from this world of mine
Before I get myself arrested with this expectation?
You are the one look what you've done
What have you done?
This is not some kind of joke
You're just a kid
You weren't ready for what you did
And when the world is on its knees with me its fine
And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time
Everybody seems to be getting what they need, where's mine?"
- Train, "Ordinary," Spider-Man 2 Soundtrack
FROM June 26, 2005 (SW@ Ticket Sniperscope #3: My Spoiler Senses are Tingling...): How about yours? In my last issue of SW@ the Hell, I trashed Thomas Haydn Church for his performance in Sideways and gave my other sideways-turned boot to Sam Raimi and Marvel for making a great villain of such a blithering idiot. But this year's special Must List edition of Entertainment Weekly made it clear that I have something to look forward to from the above deadpan moron.
In Spider-Man 3, THC will don the green pinstriped likeness of the Sandman. I don't have much faith in this particular Church, but the character choice was such a shock that I mumbled something like "I gotta see this!" or "this better be good!" I don't know how anyone can mumble in exclamation points, but there it is.
Good luck, Churchie-boy. May the calcium silicate be with you.
B+
FROM May 6, 2012 (Coming Distractions #2: Before The Avengers): The first review I saw at the 4pm showing of The Avengers at Ephrata's Lee Theater (they have great pizza, BTW) was for another upcoming superhero film this year: The Amazing Spider-Man.
With Sam Raimi's disappointing withdrawal and the subsequent cancellation of Spider-Man 4 in January 2010 came the idea for a reboot (ick!) of the franchise with ASM in 3D (double-ick!) starring Andrew Garfield (who?) as Peter/Spidey. But then I saw the preview last night and sort of changed my mind. Although Tobey Maguire looks to have been the better Spidey, Garfield is the better Peter Parker. ASM is portrayed in the trailer as having more drama and intrigue than the preceding trilogy, let alone many other superhero adaptations, which I am looking forward to.It is also more authentic to the comics than Maguire's Spider-Man, centering on Peter's relationship with Gwen Stacy (The Help's Emma Stone) and showing the development of his web-shooters.
The suit came off as kind of awkward and miscolored in some scenes (or was it maybe Garfield who was awkward and miscolored?), but the 3D actually looked worthwhile and the Lizard effects (his tail, at least) were well done. You grabbed my attention, Marvel. July 3rd, here I come!
A-
Speaking of the SW@ Ticket flop starring Thomas Haydn Church, tomorrow's issue of Ticket Stubs will feature Sideways, minus the Sex Wax and Star Spanglish Banner. So stay tuned and save those stubs!
FROM April 28, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #3.5: Spider-Man Then & Now): I have always been a big fan of all things Spider-Man. I had never missed an episode of the old Marvel Spider-Man series (fuck all that Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends bullshit. Anything that reminds me of the Superfriends makes me reach for the barf bucket), and when the Spider-Man movie (a candidate for the Most Wanted Movie of the Week) came out on my birthday, I just had to see it. And I plan on seeing Spider-Man 2 when it comes out. Call me a freak or a geek, but Stan Lee wrote some good shit! In this special edition, I will review the Marvel Spider-Man series, Spider-Man Unlimited, the MTV Spider-Man 3D series, and new additions to the collection, circa July 24, 2012, Spectacular Spider-Man and the Man Of Action-produced Ultimate Spider-Man.
Good things about the Marvel Series:
1) Kick-ass villains - Kingpin, Rhino, Shocker, Dr. Octopus, Venom, Carnage, Green Goblin, Scorpion, Mysterio, etc. Too many to count and too cool to miss.
2) Great cameos - Daredevil, Punisher, Iron Man and War Machine, the X-Men, Blade, Captain America, and the Fantastic Four. If they haven't had a movie yet, they will very soon.
3) Voice talent - Ed Asner voices Jonah Jameson and Mark Hamil (best known for his work in Star Wars and as the Joker in the old Batman series) voices Hobgoblin.
4) The storyline - The villains are introduced well and do major damage. Very comic book authentic. Long and confusing but for the most part well done.
5) The look - Done in 2D animation, but drawn better than the comic. Some landscape scenes and laboratory equipment have a 3D look that uses realism where the plot is completely unbelievable.
What sucks about the Marvel Series:
1) There are so many tiebacks to earlier episodes, and so many episodes to tie back to, that a viewer can get lost or bored very easily.
2) Mary Jane's "death" at the hands of the Green Goblin - She gets sucked into interdimensional limbo, then Spider-Man sends the Green Goblin to the same place. Sure, he was pissed, but he trapped his girlfriend in an alternate universe with a complete psychopath! Somethin' wrong with this picture, buddy.
3) Mary Jane's return - She "comes back," Spider-Man shows her his secret identity, MJ and Peter finally get married after 50 billion episodes, then Peter finds out she is an unstable clone who evaporates in his arms. All that for nothing? Whathefuck?
4) The ending - The series ends with the doctor who cloned MJ finding a sample of Spider-Man's DNA (setup for the whole Ben-Reily-Peter-Parker-who's-the-clone plot from the comics) and Spider-Man flying
off with some old goddess named Madam Web to find Mary Jane. They cancelled the series before Peter could find the real Mary Jane!!!
FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D
Good things about Spider-Man Unlimited:
1) The suit - Tiny robot spiders crawl out of Peter's watch and form the Spider-Man costume. He has impact webbing, glider wings under the arms, and a stealth mode that makes him invisible.
2) It's not available for sale or rent anywhere.
3) That's about it. On to the crap.
Why they screwed up:
1) Unlimited didn't pick up where the other series left off. It's a needlessly whole new plot with mediocre villains and unrealistic situations (yes, even for Marvel it's unrealistic).
2) It's poorly drawn - The colors are too bold and every character is heavily shadowed. They tried to make it look like a comic book, but it just wound up looking like shit.
3) When the plot finally grabbed my attention and things were coming to a climax, the morons at Fox started showing reruns and cancelled the series.
F (can I go any lower, please?)
Spider Man: The New Animated Series
This series picks up where the movie left off, with Peter and Mary Jane's relationship uncertain, and Harry Osborne pissed at Spider-Man for killing his father (but not really knowing that his father was the Green Goblin). It's on MTV, but I don't know the time.
The villains are cool, even the made-up ones.
The voice talent rules! Niel Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser) is Peter/Spider-Man, Lisa Loeb (known for her hit "Stay") is Mary Jane, Ian Ziering (Beverly Hills 90210) is Harry Osborne, Michael Clarke
Duncan (Daredevil) reprises his role as Kingpin, David Carradine (Kung Fu) is Jonah Jameson, Rob Zombie does the voice of the Lizard, Ed Asner (mentioned above) is the chief of police, Stan Lee
(mentioned above) has a cameo in the last episode as the guy in the cemetery, and Kieth David (Men at Work) has a cameo as an FBI agent.
The humor is great. Spider-Man always has something witty to say right before he kicks a bad guy's ass, and watching him try to stand up and shoot straight webs while hung over on animal tranquilizer was
fucking hilarious.
The look can go either way. In the first episode, I felt like I was playing Pa Rappa The Rapper, not watching Spider-Man. But as the series went on I could see marked improvement to the point where I thought I was watching the movie.
The ESP machine episode was completely stupid and unnecessary. I didn't laugh and there wasn't a supervillain. That girl better come back in season 2 with the ability to levitate a bullet train, and that's all I got to say about that.
The designers didn't do some of the villains justice. In the Marvel series, Lizard was an 8ft man-beast who lived in the sewer and had a 10ft tail that could tear down a brick wall in one swing, Electro was a human doomsday machine, and Kraven fought Spider-Man bare handed. Now they're just small-timers, oppressed nerds, and generally weak bastards. Plus Kraven just pops up with no development or back story.
SWAT Ticket Update 6/29/2011: There never was a second season to tie up the loose ends from season one. I am very disappointed.
This is a really cool series, so GET IT IF YOU CAN FIND IT!
Series: B+
Special Features: B-
Spectacular Spider-Man:
Yet another re-boot (because people got tired of hearing and/or using the terms "re-imagining" and "remake") of a "failed" franchise, but actually a good effort this time around.
I had started reading the ASM comics from book one about the time the SSM series came out, and was pleased to see that (like the new ASM movie) they didn't start right in with Peter dating Mary Jane, but instead opted to begin at the beginning, with classic characters like Gwen Stacy and the Enforcers, and built whole seasons around the development of the Green Goblin and Venom.
The art was a bit clumsy, giving the characters untextured coloring and boxy edges that any amateur could capture with a paint bucket and line tool in any given piece of image software.
The tone of the whole thing was too silly. I know Spider-Man is supposed to be this extroverted, jokey, teenage superhero, but there are some things (like the SSM incarnation of Venom--who was given the complete physiology-morphing powers he had in the SMU series and a campier breed of rage) man was never meant to tamper with.
The series still held my interest, though, thanks in part to the awesome theme song by The Tender Box, and I was disappointed to see it cancelled like all those Spider-Shows before it.
A-
Ultimate Spider-Man:
From Man of Action (the people who brought you Ben 10 and Generator Rex) comes--yes, another one--the excessively anime-infused Ultimate Spider-Man, the juvenile partner to the mostly straight-laced, superior Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes. In USM (adapted from a Marvel Universe that some, including myself, find to be a sacreligious mistake), a novice Spider-Man teams with young versions of Nova, White Tiger, and the Heroes for Hire (Luke Cage and Iron Fist) to learn leadership responsibilities and become a more consequence-aware hero.
Like almost everything else since the animated series of the late 90's, SMU is poorly drawn crap, this time "punched up" by fighting game graphics ("Spidey VS The Fearsome Four! Round 1.... Ready? FIGHT!" and "BOOM!" "POW!" "ZZZZZTTT!" "THWIP!"), anime-style chibi shouting matches, and the kind of fourth wall narration that make Saved By the Bell, Scrubs, and Seth McFarlane cartoons so childishly annoying. By the way, the universe would be pissed to know that I've stopped time to type all these criticisms and witticisms for my own amusement, if not for yours. And now, for no reason at all, a picture of dogs playing poker:
The only reason I'm even watching it is to see if it gets any better, and so far, it hasn't.
D-
FROM July 13, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #11: SW@-ing the Spder-Sequel): SW@ Ticket and Cube Root team up once again to see Spider-Man 2. It was (like LOTR, etc.) the coolest movie I have ever seen. But seeing as how I hate both Michael Moore (for Farenheit 9/11) and the movie critic at the San Diego Reader (for liking Farenheit 9/11 better than Spider-Man 2) who are both politically biased assclowns, I will lay the Smackdown on two birds with one stone by bitching about what's wrong with Spider-Man 2, then giving it my highest score to date.
Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, and James Dean (I mean James Franco--oops!) return as Peter Parker/Spider-Man, Mary Jane Watson, and a pissed-off Harry Osborne, respectively. As in the MTV cartoon, Parker is always late for college, MJ is a frequently disappointed stage actress, and Harry blames Spider-Man for killing his father (who he still doesn't know was the Green Goblin in SM1). Well-drawn sketch translations of memorable scenes from the original provide background during the sequel's opening credits, comic moments involving Peter's dual role slowly lead him to doubt his purpose and lose his powers as Spider-Man, the usual brand of mad science creates a mad scientist of sorts (what are the chances of that happening?) in the person of Dr. Octavius (who--in a coincidence that only comic books can provide--winds up with eight arms), Spidey slowly and--for him--with excruciatingly subtle reminders, regains his self confidence and powers, reveals his secret identity to damn near everybody in the movie, and then kicks ass and gets the girl. The trend of big-name actors playing big-name villains is continued when Alfred Molina (recently in Frida) makes the role of Doc Ock in place of Green Goblin Willem Dafoe. The fight scenes are taken to a whole new level by Doc Ock's ability to scale walls and use four extra arms, each with an attachment library that would rival any Swiss Army knife.
Spidey has also been amped up with a more hectic use of his reflexes and the added ability to fire impact web balls. And Doc Ock's "wake-up" scene scared the hell out of me. That's all well and good, but what made the film for me was Jonah Jameson's big mouth, Aunt May hitting Doc Ock in the back of the head with her umbrella, Bruce Campbell (recently in Bubba Ho-tep) playing the obnoxious usher who won't let Peter into MJ's play when he arrives late, and Yoko Ono as a street performer trying to sing the Spider-Man theme.
My only gripe other than the Spider-Man 3 plot spoiler at the end is that everybody's so fat. Tobey Maguire looks like the make-up guy filled his cheeks with collagen, and Alfred Molina has a beer gut to rival Bad Santa, but they're the two strongest people in the movie. And what happened to the redhead? Putting a 2 on the end of the title diluted MJ's hair color by 50%.
So if you haven't seen Spider-Man 2, SEE IT! And if you haven't seen the first one, SEE IT FIRST!
A+ (SWAT Ticket Most Wanted)
Smackdown is (C) & (R) by WWE and Vince McMahon.
Spider-Man is (C) & (R) by Stan Lee and Marvel Comics.
Farenheit 9/11 is a piece of crap by Michael Moore and the corporate satellites of Disney Enterprises.
All Rights Reserved.
FROM July 29, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #12: Spider-Man's Future & The Usual Crap): Hey GOM'ers! Thanks to your lack of loyal readership, SW@ Ticket is up to its twelfth issue without so much as a terrible effword sent my way. So I decided to put on a stupid-looking uniform and get a job bagging groceries at Ralphs while you suck your thumbs with your @$$#013$. SW@ returns with a triumphant "I'm Back!" followed with a less than triumphant "My Back!" (somewhat akin to everyone's favorite spandex-wearing ATM, but without the spandex or falling from a rooftop).
And speaking of Spider-Man, it has recently come to my attention that Stan Lee's vision will be screwed up once again (giving Spider-Man unlimited webbing was inauthentic but paid off bigtime) as, in the third film, Harry Osborne will take revenge on Spider-Man as the Hobgoblin (props for not doing two Green Goblins in a row, but they could have introduced Jason P. Macendale--the true Hobgoblin--as another hired gun with Osborne as his payroll). Also in the future, recently introduced science professor Kurt Connors is slated to turn into the Lizard for Spider-Man 3 or 4, MJ's short-time flame and almost husband John Jameson is said to be transformed into the unheard-of villain Man-Wolf (they could have used JJJr to introduce Venom as in the comics, but noooooooooo), and Kirsten Dunst is pushing to see Spider-Man die in a coming sequel. Bring on the Clone!
SWAT Ticket Update, July 13, 2011: Since the box-office failure of an overstuffed Spider-Man 3, the franchise is scheduled to be revamped this year with Andrew Garfield (WHO???!!!!) as Pete/Spidey and a likewise unrecognizable cast. As promised following Spider-Man 2, the Lizard will be the main villain. Also, in an authentic turn of events, original flame Gwen Stacy is slated to be a character in the reborn Spider-Man. I am turned off by this new development and have my sights and hopes set on the success of the Avengers franchise. Good luck, Marvel! And now, back to our irregularly syndicated non-program:
FROM April 5, 2005 (SW@ the Hell #2: Spidey 3 Goes to Church): Hopefully 94.9 has been smoking too much pot, because I heard a few days ago that Thomas Haydn Church (best known for playing bumbling idiots on Wings and Ned & Stacy, more recently in the Award-Winning movie Sideways) is scheduled to play an "unknown villain" in the next Spider-Man sequel. I was disappointed that Jimmy Dean Franco was going to play the Hobbgoblin (inauthentic to the comics because Harry Osborne was the second Green Goblin, and new face Jason Phillip Macendale was the Hobbgoblin). But now I am disappointed because, after finding high-caliber actors like Alfred Molina and Willem Dafoe, the best they could come up with was some sitcom idiot like Church. Sure, it would be interesting, but as Chris Rock said, "Who is Jude Law? He's been in everything lately, but WHY?" Or rather, SW@ the Hell?
If the Lyric Fits:
"Can you save me from this world of mine
Before I get myself arrested with this expectation?
You are the one look what you've done
What have you done?
This is not some kind of joke
You're just a kid
You weren't ready for what you did
And when the world is on its knees with me its fine
And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time
Everybody seems to be getting what they need, where's mine?"
- Train, "Ordinary," Spider-Man 2 Soundtrack
FROM June 26, 2005 (SW@ Ticket Sniperscope #3: My Spoiler Senses are Tingling...): How about yours? In my last issue of SW@ the Hell, I trashed Thomas Haydn Church for his performance in Sideways and gave my other sideways-turned boot to Sam Raimi and Marvel for making a great villain of such a blithering idiot. But this year's special Must List edition of Entertainment Weekly made it clear that I have something to look forward to from the above deadpan moron.
In Spider-Man 3, THC will don the green pinstriped likeness of the Sandman. I don't have much faith in this particular Church, but the character choice was such a shock that I mumbled something like "I gotta see this!" or "this better be good!" I don't know how anyone can mumble in exclamation points, but there it is.
Good luck, Churchie-boy. May the calcium silicate be with you.
B+
FROM May 6, 2012 (Coming Distractions #2: Before The Avengers): The first review I saw at the 4pm showing of The Avengers at Ephrata's Lee Theater (they have great pizza, BTW) was for another upcoming superhero film this year: The Amazing Spider-Man.
With Sam Raimi's disappointing withdrawal and the subsequent cancellation of Spider-Man 4 in January 2010 came the idea for a reboot (ick!) of the franchise with ASM in 3D (double-ick!) starring Andrew Garfield (who?) as Peter/Spidey. But then I saw the preview last night and sort of changed my mind. Although Tobey Maguire looks to have been the better Spidey, Garfield is the better Peter Parker. ASM is portrayed in the trailer as having more drama and intrigue than the preceding trilogy, let alone many other superhero adaptations, which I am looking forward to.It is also more authentic to the comics than Maguire's Spider-Man, centering on Peter's relationship with Gwen Stacy (The Help's Emma Stone) and showing the development of his web-shooters.
The suit came off as kind of awkward and miscolored in some scenes (or was it maybe Garfield who was awkward and miscolored?), but the 3D actually looked worthwhile and the Lizard effects (his tail, at least) were well done. You grabbed my attention, Marvel. July 3rd, here I come!
A-
Speaking of the SW@ Ticket flop starring Thomas Haydn Church, tomorrow's issue of Ticket Stubs will feature Sideways, minus the Sex Wax and Star Spanglish Banner. So stay tuned and save those stubs!
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