Just the Ticket #186: Curse II: The Bite

Article by Sean Wilkinson,

a.k.a. The Ticketmaster.

In my Martial Law (Mission Of Justice and Martial Outlaw) and Last Horror Film reviews, I talked about the tendency of distribution companies of the era to rebrand similar but unrelated movies as in-name-only sequels to their more popular films to boost circulation and profits for stakeholders. While I understand the purpose of the practice, and (in these years following the recent SAG-AFTRA strike) I sympathize with the need for the end result, it is still a quasi-illegal act of deception: an (at the time) industry-accepted act of international fraud. It's like bundling Final Destination: Bloodlines with a penny, a game of Mouse Trap, and a G-1 Optimus Prime full of Lincoln Logs and calling it the 4D Experience Special Edition. Or doing Barbenheimer on purpose and calling one of them a sequel to the other. Sure, you get to experience a bunch of cool stuff of varying quality that you otherwise wouldn't, but the packaging is still a lie, right?

Such is the case with this month's "Curse pentalogy" and Trans World Entertainment (now owned by MGM and Amazon), a company that people of certain viewpoints and limited intelligence would have tried to get canceled if it still existed in the modern day because it has "trans" in its name and they don't know that words can mean different things (or that trans is a prefix meaning "across," "through," or "beyond," and not a word by itself). Said distribution company, making its nominal vow to spread entertainment across, through, and beyond the world, chose to brand five unrelated movies (only four of which I'm reviewing this month because July only has four Fridays this year and I couldn't find the Bollywood "sequel" on short notice) as Curse entries.

Despite the box art referring to today's film as Curse II: The Bite, and its producer (Ovidio Assonitis; chuckle, "ass"...I'm 14 backwards) having also overseen the Colour Out of Space adaptation, the movie's credits refer to it only by its subtitle (the actual title), The Bite, and it shares no actors, characters, or plot elements with the "first entry," making it a rebranded sequel-in-name-only.

That doesn't mean it's bad, though. In fact, it's batshit insane and a lot more fun to watch than The Curse was, partly because there was no source material to compare it to. The Bite has its problems, which I will get into shortly, but I enjoyed myself.

The Bite hit the roads of Las Cruces, New Mexico, in 1989, directed and co-written by Frederico Prosperi (under the alias Fred Goodwin, because mainstream Americans in the 80s didn't like seeing foreign names in their movie credits—like Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Pacino, De Niro, or Coppola—and racism in and against Hollywood has definitely gone away in the four intervening decades, just like my sarcasm) and featuring voice and character actor Al Fann, MASH star Jamie Farr, and Walking Tall series star Bo Svenson in supporting roles.

The movie follows young couple Clark (the handsome J. Eddie Peck, Days Of Our Lives, and like, six other soaps) and Lisa (the most annoying fictional girlfriend I've experienced since Pulp Fiction, played by The Stepfather's Jill Schoelen) as they take a horror movie-requisite shortcut through the Arizona set of The Birds, But With Snakes.

Being a road trip movie where Clark and Lisa are your two main characters, The Bite can have the pacing of a YouTube video about snails climbing a wall of drying paint. But thankfully (unless you're Clark and Lisa), said shortcut is through an abandoned nuclear testing site populated by radioactive mutant snakes, our diabetically insufferable leads are morons for little to no reason, our supporting characters are gems (particularly Fann as the paranoid gas station attendant who keeps his mutated snake-dog in the basement, and Farr as a literal snake-oil salesman), and the creature effects (provided by Children Of the Corn: Urban Harvest contributor Screaming Mad George) are gloriously disturbing for their time.

One of the snakes gets inside the couple's Jeep, building suspense until it eventually bites Clark. But because this is a horror movie and not a comic book, Clark doesn't get the ability to shed his skin, crawl along any surface, jump higher, make sonic vibrations with his coccyx, or crush villains with his prehensile abdominal muscles as the Friendly Neighborhood Serpent Man. Instead, we spend the movie watching Clark rack up a body count against his will as he transforms into a ravenous, slimy, snake-armed, hydra-spewing abomination, and I loved almost every minute of it.

That "almost" comes down to the first act's generic road trip setup and Clark and Lisa being written better than they are performed, even taking into account that they are written to be stubborn and ignorant so the rest of the movie can happen. But once the vibe switches from road trip thriller to body horror monster movie, and Clark's arm develops a strange case of Santino Marella disease,

it becomes infinitely more fun to watch as both a movie and a practical effects showcase. I even started rooting for Lisa to survive at some point, which I didn't expect to do when she first opened her mouth.

I know The Bite isn't good or consistent, let alone both at the same time, but I can't bring myself to tear it a new sensory pit like it would otherwise deserve without Fann and Farr livening things up and Screaming Mad George cooking on the effects.

B-

Next week, the Curse-in-name-only continues to spread into the 90s with Blood Sacrifice and an appearance by a late horror legend, so Stay Tuned and as always, please remember to Become A Ticketholder if you haven't already, leave a comment at the bottom of this post and any others you have opinions about, beware that strange, writhing lump in your mattress, give my ad revenue a hand as you read so I don't have to live hand-to-mouth, and follow me on BlueSky, Tumblr, Reddit, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube, and LinkedIn to like what you see and receive the latest news and coverage on my bitingly fang-tastic content.

Tickemaster,
Out Of Puns,

Memes,

And Time.
Seriously, it's past midnight and I haven't done link insertions or published yet; someone please help!