Ticketverse Throwbacks #5: License to Illium
Nothing from my old blogs really fit in with the "Learned Passion" essay this week, but I managed to find something that continues the religion/mythology theme from last week's New Piece Offerings: a review of a little, 2004 Wolfgang Petersen film called Troy. I don't recall what made me take the direction I took with this review, but all of a sudden, I found myself rapping the plot of Troy to the beat of the Beastie Boys song, "Paul Revere." I later did the same for the plot of The Dallas Buyers' Club, but this selection comes to you today, courtesy of SWAT Ticket #29: License to Illium (January 17, 2005):
Now here's a little story many like to tell
about three Greek brothas you know so well.
Started way back in old BC without Ad Roc, MCA, or even Mike D.
There was a big horsie (not named Paul Revere),
Achilles, an army, and a city in fear.
Fighting for the land,
kickin ass on sand,
sacking their homies
(Helen's in demand).
One angry Grecian there be,
Achilles with no cousin, fighting for no king.
The sun beating down on his great war hat,
the air is getting hot, Prince Paris at his back.
He ran into a girl he loved and had to say goodbye;
she was Paris' sister, homey capped him in the thigh.
As rapped by SWAT and the Beastie Boys to the beat of "Paul Revere," the above is pretty much what happens in Homer's Iliad when it gets slightly distorted by director Wolfgang Petersen. Brad Pitt is Achilles, the ultimate warrior who gets forced into a war he doesn't believe in (kinda like Bush sending Michael Moore into Iraq to bore the local militants to death), gets pissed when his cousin is killed by Prince Hector of Troy (Eric Bana - The Hulk), and dies from an arrow in his heel. Orlando Bloom (LOTR) is Prince Paris of Troy, the sex-driven romantic moron who starts the Trojan War by kidnapping King Agamemnon's wife, Helen (whose make-up slathered and botox-injected face launched one ship--highlight, copy, paste*999, group, animate), gets his ass handed to him on a javelin, pisses on his brother's boots in fear, and then "saves" his sister by killing Achilles.
The Trojan Horse (not made of latex, but still guaranteed to penetrate the walls of Troy and bring pleasure to pyromaniac Greeks for miles around--if you don't recognize a condom joke when you see one, leave the site 'cuz you're probably too young to be here anyway. That or you're dumber than Paris, and I don't mean Hilton) looked awesome, the photography (what little of it that was real, and some of the fake crap, too) was likewise cool.
The best part of the movie was Ajax, the big Herculean guy with the club/axe/whatever who ripped arrows out of his own body, lurched up to the offending archer or closest bad guy, and stabbed him with them. Great comic relief, that Ajax. But the death of Achilles was the real joke: an arrow in the heel, five in the chest, and he keeps coming like...well, like Spider-Man on animal tranquilizer, then passes out like a drunk with a stupid look on his face. What should have been a moment of tragic drama was transformed into a moment of comic sedation. I think they mythed something in the translation.
B-
If the Lyric Fits:
Step into the town and break the walls down.
The heartbeat is the only sound.
Step into the light and then you'll know;
you were stopped and trapped by the Walls of Jericho.
Break the walls down."
This lyric quote seemed fitting back then as I wouldn't cease to be an avid WWE fan until three years later. To me, it related in some way to the use of the Trojan Horse to break through the walls of Troy and sack the city. Remember last week's New Piece Offerings, when I said how different religions have similar stories? Well, one man's Trojan War is another man's Battle of Jericho.
As previously credited in the Dallas Buyers' Club review (see the link above), the quote is from the entrance theme of WWE wrestler Chris Jericho, who has also been the frontman of the metal band, Fozzy, since 1999. I recently heard their new single, "Judas" (video below), and while it isn't the best thing I've ever heard, I find it catchy in that "so bad it's kind of good" way. Check it out.
Remember to comment, like, share, and subscribe, and I'll be back next week with another round of the Retrospective.
Ticketmaster,
out.
Now here's a little story many like to tell
about three Greek brothas you know so well.
Started way back in old BC without Ad Roc, MCA, or even Mike D.
There was a big horsie (not named Paul Revere),
Achilles, an army, and a city in fear.
Fighting for the land,
kickin ass on sand,
sacking their homies
(Helen's in demand).
One angry Grecian there be,
Achilles with no cousin, fighting for no king.
The sun beating down on his great war hat,
the air is getting hot, Prince Paris at his back.
He ran into a girl he loved and had to say goodbye;
she was Paris' sister, homey capped him in the thigh.
The Trojan Horse (not made of latex, but still guaranteed to penetrate the walls of Troy and bring pleasure to pyromaniac Greeks for miles around--if you don't recognize a condom joke when you see one, leave the site 'cuz you're probably too young to be here anyway. That or you're dumber than Paris, and I don't mean Hilton) looked awesome, the photography (what little of it that was real, and some of the fake crap, too) was likewise cool.
The best part of the movie was Ajax, the big Herculean guy with the club/axe/whatever who ripped arrows out of his own body, lurched up to the offending archer or closest bad guy, and stabbed him with them. Great comic relief, that Ajax. But the death of Achilles was the real joke: an arrow in the heel, five in the chest, and he keeps coming like...well, like Spider-Man on animal tranquilizer, then passes out like a drunk with a stupid look on his face. What should have been a moment of tragic drama was transformed into a moment of comic sedation. I think they mythed something in the translation.
B-
If the Lyric Fits:
Step into the town and break the walls down.
The heartbeat is the only sound.
Step into the light and then you'll know;
you were stopped and trapped by the Walls of Jericho.
Break the walls down."
This lyric quote seemed fitting back then as I wouldn't cease to be an avid WWE fan until three years later. To me, it related in some way to the use of the Trojan Horse to break through the walls of Troy and sack the city. Remember last week's New Piece Offerings, when I said how different religions have similar stories? Well, one man's Trojan War is another man's Battle of Jericho.
As previously credited in the Dallas Buyers' Club review (see the link above), the quote is from the entrance theme of WWE wrestler Chris Jericho, who has also been the frontman of the metal band, Fozzy, since 1999. I recently heard their new single, "Judas" (video below), and while it isn't the best thing I've ever heard, I find it catchy in that "so bad it's kind of good" way. Check it out.
Ticketmaster,
out.
Comments
Post a Comment