Ticketverse Throwbacks #4: Let Me Clear My Throat
Ahem. Hello again, Ticketholders! At least, hello to those of you who didn't rage quit after my little rant on religion. Have mercy, and I hope you don't mind (DJ Kool reference).
At the beginning of my last issue of New Piece Offerings, I welcomed you all to the clearing at the end of the path. That didn't mean I was done with this blog, not by a long shot. It was simply a Dark Tower reference (because I like making obscure references) that seemed relevant to the material I was about to discuss. In Stephen King's The Dark Tower series, "the clearing at the end of the path" is what the citizens of Mid-World called the afterlife, and in my mind, every time I read or thought about that line, I always envisioned the scene from Gladiator after (SPOILER ALERT!) Russell Crowe's character dies and goes to the Elysian Fields.
Through no act of coincidence, this week's Ticketverse Throwback is a review of a movie, titled The Clearing. It comes to you FROM SWAT Ticket #25: Let Me Clear My Throat (December 2, 2004). Pardon the language coming up, but I was immature in 2004 and this movie was really bad.
The movie up for today's review was such a piece of shit that I wouldn't have bothered wiping my ass with it, but for some reason I decided to put The Clearing in a paper bag, set it on fire, and leave it at the doorstep of GOM to stamp out or show to your neighbors at your leisure. On to the crap:
The Clearing is one of those small-time flicks that get loaded with big name actors to make it seem good. Robert Redford is the rich victim of kidnapper Willem Dafoe, who plans to lure him out into the middle of the forest, kill him, and run off with all his money. Good verbal battles are written between the two men and there is good suspense to start with--Dafoe claiming to be a messenger for much bigger fish than himself, Redford pushing his captor to the point of snapping several times and not being shot. But that's about all I can say for this cinematic ass-fucking.
Between verbal exchanges, there is the grieving wife (played by Dame Helen Mirren) hiring the FBI because the writer had hopes of fooling us into believing this was a HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION FILM. Fool us he did, but not without pissing us off doubly in the bargain. The stupid-asses slapping this turd together made the mistake of locating the FBI scenes in a later time frame so that we are also fooled into stereotyping it as a non-linear film that leaves the viewer confused at the end.
Idn' that cute? Yeah, BUT IT'S STILL WRONG!!!!!!!! All the later time frame manages to do is spoil the earlier suspense that brought it to borderline sub-par status.
In the end, Dafoe kills Redford and gets caught, the wife continues grieving, some cheesy-sappy Redford-apparition comforts her in the movie's final seconds, and that's more than anyone would give a rat's ass about knowing about the damn thing.
F-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote of the Week:
"My penny-loafers will make short work of this"
-Principal Skinner, The Simpsons
Remember to comment, like, share, subscribe, and click ads so that I might end up rich enough to get drawn into my own, poorly concocted ransom plot, and I'll be back with more of the Grimm Fairy Tales Retrospective next week.
Ticketmaster,
out.
Through no act of coincidence, this week's Ticketverse Throwback is a review of a movie, titled The Clearing. It comes to you FROM SWAT Ticket #25: Let Me Clear My Throat (December 2, 2004). Pardon the language coming up, but I was immature in 2004 and this movie was really bad.
The movie up for today's review was such a piece of shit that I wouldn't have bothered wiping my ass with it, but for some reason I decided to put The Clearing in a paper bag, set it on fire, and leave it at the doorstep of GOM to stamp out or show to your neighbors at your leisure. On to the crap:
Between verbal exchanges, there is the grieving wife (played by Dame Helen Mirren) hiring the FBI because the writer had hopes of fooling us into believing this was a HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION FILM. Fool us he did, but not without pissing us off doubly in the bargain. The stupid-asses slapping this turd together made the mistake of locating the FBI scenes in a later time frame so that we are also fooled into stereotyping it as a non-linear film that leaves the viewer confused at the end.
Idn' that cute? Yeah, BUT IT'S STILL WRONG!!!!!!!! All the later time frame manages to do is spoil the earlier suspense that brought it to borderline sub-par status.
In the end, Dafoe kills Redford and gets caught, the wife continues grieving, some cheesy-sappy Redford-apparition comforts her in the movie's final seconds, and that's more than anyone would give a rat's ass about knowing about the damn thing.
F-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote of the Week:
"My penny-loafers will make short work of this"
-Principal Skinner, The Simpsons
Remember to comment, like, share, subscribe, and click ads so that I might end up rich enough to get drawn into my own, poorly concocted ransom plot, and I'll be back with more of the Grimm Fairy Tales Retrospective next week.
Ticketmaster,
out.
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