Just the Ticket

In dishonor of the upcoming DVD release of Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues , which in a far more unstable state of mind I would have resorted to acts of domestic terrorism to prevent the conception of, Ticket Stubs  now brings you this vicious review of the original Anchorman  straight  FROM February 8, 2005 (SW@ Ticket #32: Angered Critic - The Bludgeoning of Ron Burgandy, Employee of the Month):  Today, we @ GOM & SW@ Ticket examine the two latest films in Christina Applegate's slowly declining career as an actress who just happens to be blolnde and have relatively large boobs. First and least impressive (compared to pretty much all other movies that have been made thus far) is Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy . Claiming to be based on a true story is the film and filmmaker's first mistake. Supposedly, Ron Burgandy (name changed to protect the ignorant--I mean "innocent"--actually, I mean "ignorant") was a real 1970s news anchor at the #1--bec...

Greetings and salutations (and all other manner of fancy ways to say "hi"), Ticketholders! Get ready to twist and crawl your way back into Ticket Stubs . English Beat..."Twist & Crawl"? Anyone get that joke? That's OK, I'll just save it for later. Anyway, I lied again. Before I share my latest featured hero design, I decided to be a lazy critic and trot out this old issue for you, straight FROM May 11, 2004 (SWAT Ticket #4 : The English Beat-down):  SWAT here again with the latest movie reviews. I haven't seen anything that's worth a shit, so I'll just pretend I'm a high-paid movie critic and review the latest in a genre that should not be distributed to the American public, no matter how similar the language may be: British comedies. First up is a completely revolting but heartfelt comedy about a bunch of fat, ugly, middle-aged women who pose nude for a calendar to raise money to buy a sofa in the local cancer treatment center. After...

This issue deals with what turned out to be a collection of films that were true stories of people who lied or were lied to, hence the title's use of True Lies. No review of the 90's Schwarzenegger spy action/comedy shall be found if you are arriving here via a series of relevant search words, so if you feel lied to, re-read the first sentence because therein lies the truth, and that's no lie. Saving Mr. Banks : Tom Hanks, Emma Thompson, Colin Farrell--A movie about making a Disney musical for people who hate Disney musicals (like Emma Thompson's P.L. Travers, who wrote the books that inspired Mary Poppins ). Hanks brings himself entire to his portrayal of Walt Disney, being insufferably optimistic in the face of Thompson's insufferable insufferability, and the folks at Disney succeed, in their usual style of modern, desperate nostalgia, at turning out another combination of uplifting origin story and Disneyland showcase. Enjoyable despite, and because of, itself....

I repeat: the following character is not  Iron Man! He may be loosely based on Iron Man, but then again, he is also loosely based on Frankenstein and his monster (although the monster has gotten his own character within the Timedrop Comics--FAKE!!!--Universe). I created him and his family for a character design contest last year, basing them all on monsters from classic horror movies. His mother is a witch, his father is a mummy, and he has a pet robot werewolf cast from silver. The twelve on his *ahem* area will also prove to be significant to you at some point in the future. It takes a lot of time and thought to properly shade these characters, so bear with me if I don't churn one out every day. Between my novel, going to work, spending time with my family, and using Heromachine, this guy took a month for me to get through. At least I got his energy effects right. So without further ado, here is my first gift to you. Name:  Frank Hallows Team Affiliations:  Th...

I am behind on reviews again, so I decided to just do a Critical Quickies edition to get myself caught up, beginning with...you guessed it (or maybe you didn't, how am I to know?)... 12 Years A Slave . 12 Years A Slave : Brad Pitt, Paul Dano, Paul Giamatti, and (I'll just give it to you phoenetically) Chew It All Edgy Oh Four--Chiwetel plays Solomon Northup, a free black man and respected citizen of the northern states who is conned by two "musicians" and falsely imprisoned by a southern slaving operation. At times hard to watch, but historically important and full of impactful acting performances by veterans and newcomers alike. A+ The Hunger Games - Catching Fire : Woody Harrelson, Stanley Tucci, Elizabeth Banks, Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Phillip Seymour Hoffman--Katniss and Peeta return, supported once again by Bad Hairrelson, Blue Wig Tucci, and Queen Elizabeth Banks as they are entered in a kind of Hunger Games All-Star Edition  ag...

After coming up at a loss for words on Nebraska , I elected instead to demote it to second fiddle, having seen Oldboy  and liked it much better than Nebraska . So here goes: Last year's  Oldboy  is an English-language remake of a 2003 South Korean cult classic. The remake stars Josh Brolin ( Men In Black 3 ), Elizabeth Olsen ( Martha Marcy-May Marlene ), Samuel L. Jackson ( Jungle Fever ), Michael Imperioli ( The Sopranos ), and Lance Reddick ( The Blacklist , Lost ), and was directed by Spike Lee (who also directed Jackson in  Jungle Fever ). Alcoholic ad executive Joe Doucett (Brolin) is abducted on the night of his daughter's third birthday, and held against his will for twenty years, during which time, his captors frame him for his wife's rape and murder. Doucett puts his old ways of vice and excess behind him, using the time he is given to train himself for the day when he will escape and exact his revenge against those who stole two decades of his life. Wa...

I'd hate to repeat myself--for one thing, sound does not echo in space, and for another, it makes me seem unoriginal--but I can't help it when I keep watching the same kind of movie over and over again. I've given Dark Tide , Open Water , Titanic , The Perfect Storm , and Captain Phillips  far more mention than they deserve in recent weeks, even subjecting myself to the surprisingly un-torturous All is Lost . Now, I have sat through Gravity , starring Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, and the voice of Ed Harris as Mission Control. Gravity  starts out with an idea that could have been molded into a less desirable, more insanity-prone film (one of the government conspiracy variety): Russia has shot down one of their own satellites, which is now a cloud of fast-moving (read: 20,000 miles per hour) debris that has caused a chain reaction by smashing into almost every other country's satellite and blacking out communications on a global scale. One could almost picture Cuba G...