Ticket Stubs #23: What If?

Here is the first of many looks back at SW@ Ticket's foray into criticism of the Horror genre, starting with two stupid-funny-ish non-horror selections.

FROM June 16, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #6: What If?): Although I usually reserve themes for the N.5 issues, this sixth issue deals with questions of the "what if?" nature.

First we address the question: "What if you were a big shot movie producer and an escaped mental patient with a great script held you at gunpoint?" This question was well-addressed but not really given an answer in Shoot or Be Shot!, a small but funny comedy of errors.
Harry Hamlin stars as an egocentric producer of sub-par, often pornographic, action films who smokes more Cuban cigars than our Governor Ahnold "Buy Kullyfwornyia Groan" Schwartzenegger. William Shatner, in his usual "There's...somethingonthewing...some...thing" style of speech, plays the escaped mental patient and hapless screenwriter. A lazy independent film director, his worthless cameraman, and an underpaid, overworked former actress in Hamlin's action-porn are also along for the ride. This motley crew does eventually shoot a film, but Shoot or Be Shot! is a hilarious idea that goes everywhere too slowly and gets nowhere fast.
B-

Next, we address the question: "If everybody loves Raymond, do they love Gene more?" In Welcome to Mooseport, Ray Romano plays the town plumber of Mooseport, Maine, who is running for mayor against America's favorite president, played in harsh and devious fashion by Gene Hackman. But the Mayorship isn't the only thing Romano winds up fighting for. His girlfriend (Marcia Gay Harden), who he doesn't have the testicular fortitude to propose to, is dating "that president guy." The usual presidential and political cliches abound: dishonesty, greed, ineptitude (these last two provided by Secret Service Agent Fred Savage and campaign manager Rip Torn).
The only thing funnier than the political commentary is the general plot idea: Italian Plumber Saves Princess from Ruthless Dictator. Sound like any games you remember?
B+

The weirdest question of all is saved for last: "What if Elvis Presley switched places with an Elvis impersonator and JFK survived his assassination, had his missing brain tissue replaced with a sponge, and had a racial reassignment procedure to protect his identity?" Bubba Ho-tep (which the opening credits tell us translates to "Redneck Pharaoh") is the answer. Bruce Campbell, B-movie Actor Extraordinaire, plays an aged Elvis with an impotence problem, and Ossie Davis plays JFK, who is confined to a wheelchair by his head wound. Both are residents of a Texas retirement home where a revived mummy wearing the archetypal bad guy cowboy duds goes around sucking the souls out of the home's residents via that most unconventional of orifices. After realizing what each other's true identities are, Elvis and JFK team up to kill the mummy. Morgue attendants who come to collect the bodies on a daily basis provide comic relief between the murders, and the flashbacks of what "really" happened to Elvis provide comic relief during. Tommy Lee Jones once said that Elvis wasn't dead, he just went home. But he definitely didn't see this cult classic coming.
Stupid and pointless, but incredibly original and funny. Retire with Bubba Ho-tep in your home.
A- (SWAT Ticket Most Wanted)

Today's Critical Quickie is also a horror movie that features a "what if?" worth considering:
The Cabin In the Woods--Chris Hemsworth, Bradley Whitford, Richard Jenkins. The latter two actors work for a secret government agency in Joss Whedon's answer to the question, "What if the Men In Black were the bad guys?" The usual collection of intercourse-driven, pot-smoking teens on vacation who "split up to cover more ground" are led to a choreographed ritual slaughter by Big Brother under the guise of a greater good. If you are a fan of Whedon's work like I am, this will be a welcome addition to your Whedonverse collection. Otherwise, prepare to get tired of asking "WTF?" and turn off your television before your favorite sacrificial lamb gets slaughtered by the Tooth Fairy.
A

Next issue continues the criticism of Horror Plus More as Ticket Stubs takes on a Stephen King adaptation, some shady card sharks, and a drama best left out in the cold. Stay tuned!