Ticket Stubs #18: F@ C@s & F@ Asses

Continuing our theme of cats and bad costumes from last issue, today's Ticket Stubs is a flashback to Halloween 2004 for reviews of Garfield: The Movie and White Chicks.

FROM November 2, 2004 (SW@ Ticket #23 : Fat Cats & Fat Asses): A b-l8ed Happy Halloween from SW@! Unfortunately, I was unable to see any of the recent batch of scary movies (The Grudge, Van Helsing, Kingdom Hospital, Dawn of the Dead, or its English parody Shaun of the Dead). But today, I bring you reviews of a symbolically Halloween nature.

The first review contains the traditional colors of Halloween: orange and black. Garfield: The Movie stars Bill Murray as the voice of Garfield, Brad Garrett (Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond) as Garfield's canine nemesis, Breckin Meyer (Road Trip) as John, and Jennifer Love-Hewitt as Garfield's vet and John's love interest.

Garfield, although too active for his old cartoon self, still enjoys practical jokes: tying the Doberman up in his leash, getting Nermel out of the way so he can drink the neighbor's milk, and cannonballing John to wake him up. But when John takes Garfield to the vet so he can oogle J-love, she talks him into adopting Odie, and Garfield's world is turned upside down.

Humorous situations follow, including a scene of Odie and Garfield dancing to The Black-Eyed Peas' "Hey Mama," and one where Odie reverses Garfield's milk trick on him. The rest is literally just kids' stuff. Garfield kicks Odie out of the house, becoming the villain of the picture. But soon, Odie's acts of friendship and Garfield's gnawing guilt get him running off (not that Garfield is much of a runner) to save the day. Enter the stereotypical villain of kids' movies: basically a crazy, evil moron who just happens to be allergic to cats and hate lasagna, and steals Odie the Amazing Dancing Dog in hopes of making millions. Starts out as a fun family film, but winds up an immature piece of crap. On top of that, Garfield doesn't kick Odie off the table, and John is portrayed as a single ladies' man. Totally inauthentic. Bill Murray is funny and he can sing (sort of), Garfield is a well-programmed character, and Jennifer Love-Hewitt is hot. But that's all, folks!

D+

The next review deals with costumes. In White Chicks, the Wayans Brothers play screw-up FBI agents who accidentally injure two Paris & Nicole stand-ins on their way to a Hamptons sex party. While the two blondes nurse their minor scratches, the FBI losers take their place. Your basic identity switch movie (e.g.: Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, Mrs. Doubtfire, Connie & Carla, etc. meets Miss Congeniality) but with a more restricted viewer rating. No doubt that it's funny to see Shawn hiding their assignment from his wife or Marlon being hit on by a steroid-pumped basketball player (Terry Crews), and their satirizing of the valley girl debutante is great. But it seemed like the only way for them to be black men pretending to be white women was to channel the voice and mannerisms of Michael Jackson (minus the baby-dangling and crotch-grabbing, thank God).

White Chicks was a movie well done in spite of being itself.

C

Quote of the Week: "It's all fun and games until somebody gets a nosejob." -The Swan 2

Critical Quickie: Citizen Gangster--Scott Speedman (Underworld, ABC's Last Resort), Brian Cox (The Bourne Trilogy), Kevin Durand and William Mapother (both former Lost-ies). Modern economic problems plague an unemployed WWII vet who turns to bank robbery to provide for his family in this true story. The leading man's unemployment goes unexplained and the movie's repetitive, depressing nature snuff any interest in Act 2. But every ounce of charisma Speedman repressed in the Underworld films is left on the floor here, making him a shining star amid the gloom.

B-

Stay tuned as Bill Murray depresses and Toni Colette cross-dresses in the next issue of Ticket Stubs.