Ticket Stubs #20: Son of SW@ the Hell Happened To the Sniperscope?

Thank you all for taking a detour with me to the SW@ Ticket Sniperscope, for a SW@ Publications/TimeDrop Productions crossover event! What began on December 2, 2004 as merely a prejudicial rant about a terrible movie evolved into a coming attractions project called the SW@ Ticket Sniperscope, so named for the long-range viewing capabilities of a sniper's scope, my ability to see a poorly executed (or properly executed) film from a long distance of time, and just because it fit with the whole S.W.A.T. theme at the time. I have since changed the title to Coming Distractions, as my legal department (a.k.a. my conscience, 'cuz this fake company is all me, baby) informed me that the gun-related nature of the title might offend some people. What you'll see next is that very first issue, featuring a SW@ Ticket Update and followed by a Piece Offering of some grossly inappropriate sequel concepts, one of which you may recognize.
Enjoy!

SW@ Ticket Update - August 14, 2011: This afternoon, I thoroughly enjoyed Heckler, a documentary by comedian Jamie Kennedy, wherein he and an all-star cast of musicians, critics, directors, actors, dancers, and fellow comedians explore the nature of the heckler (a comedian's best friend and/or worst enemy), how to distinguish a heckler from a critic, and how each is influenced by modern digital media. The first hour is packed with humor, which by its nature either entertains, shocks, or outright offends the viewer.
I for one was impressed with the ability of the plethora of famous heckle-ees to respond positively, if at all, to the insensitive idiots of the world (as I am with most anything I cannot yet do).
However, in its final half hour--that portion of the film devoted to the internet and the media--the documentary degenerates into a whine festival hosted by Kennedy, whose films (including Son Of the Mask, which we will touch on later) have garnered less-than-favorable reviews since his teen years. By the end we see that despite his claims to have been healed in the process of making the film, Kennedy shows a lack of growth as he has two female sumo wrestlers set his reams of critical failure ablaze. Also, the moral of the story, if any, is weak beyond belief. But take comfort, Mr. Kennedy: I was entertained and found this to be your most mature piece of work to date. Kudos! Quaker Chewy! Cliff! Powerbar! Good Job!
B

FROM December 2, 2004 (SW@ Ticket Sniperscope #1: Son Of the Mask): E! Entertainment TV does a weekly preview of upcoming movies, and I recently got too good of a look at the long-awaited but very disappointing sequel to The Mask. Like many bad films, it starts out sounding good in principle: Loki, the Norse God of Mischeif (an overcamped Alan Cumming), realizes his mask is gone and traces it to Edge City, where our hero Stanley Ipkiss (Jim Carrey) last threw it into the river to kiss Cameron Diaz. Unfortunately, Jim Carrey has been replaced by Jamie Kennedy (phoenetically the same initials, but not as funny) and somehow, wearing The Mask made Kennedy's Ipkiss stand-in and his ladyfriend (Monk's Traylor Howard) give birth to an insane, amorphous, computer-generated baby that talks. Go fig. Also, the actual citiness of Edge City has been replaced by some green-screen bullshit that looks like a five-year-old's drawing of Hobbiton. But here's the clincher: the dog's name is Otis this time. You have to have been a fan of animal vs civilization buddy pictures as a kid to get the whole Milo & Otis thing, but a sure sign of a bad movie is when the pets' names have sequels. Quite possibly the worst half-assed sequel to a kids' movie since The Return of Jafar.
F-

Shitty movie sequels of my own invention:
-Mrs. Doubtfire 2 starring Dame Edna as Grandma Doubtfire
-Ace Ventura: Crisis at Neverland Ranch starring Koko the gorilla, Bubbles the chimp, Michael Jackson, and PeeWee Herman as Ace Ventura
-Terminator 4: Rise of the Washed-Up Action Stars With No Personality starring Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude VanDamme, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, Vin Deisel, Patrick Swayze, Jesse Ventura, and Ben Affleck (SW@ Ticket Update - August 14, 2011: RIP Patrick Swayze, no disrespect meant, man. Van Damme, Norris, Segal, Diesel, Ventura, and Affleck went nowhere near the project, but you may recognize the concept as this year's action flop, The Expendables. I called this bitch seven years in advance, just like I knew Melanie would win Season 8 of So You Think You Can Dance from her first audition. Props, anyone?)
-Spider-Ham starring Jack Black as Spider-Ham and Bob the Money-Tree Caterpillar as Scorpion
-Liar Liar 2 starring Scott Peterson (the wife-killer, not my ex-boss from Wal-Mart)
-Happy Gilmore vs Tiger Woods
-Lost In Translation 2: 50 First Groundhog Days starring Drew Barrymore and Bill Murray
-Another Batman Sequel starring the nippled Batsuit
-Another James Bond Sequel with Pierce Brosnan
-The Bourne Ad Nauseum starring Matt Damon and Ben Affleck

I can't think of any more right now, so here's the Quote of the Week:
"Whoever loves that F-word spitshines dicks for a living"
-Some Assclown Tagger in the bus station bathro

I have several days off this week, so I am heading into Moses Lake this Tuesday to watch the new Resident Evil movie in 3D and take part in the Avengers' Alliance Coulson's Revenge promo at GameStop. In the meantime, here's today's Critical Quickie before I go:
Kill List--I don't recognize any names, but this low-budget Irish thriller tails two hired killers as they struggle with family dynamics, the economy (a sign of our times), and the morality of offing their assigned targets, which range from Catholic priests to pimps and cult crazies. The great thing (besides the run-and-gun slasher-movie chase scene at the end) is that you'll see the twist coming and still utter an impressed "what the f---?" when it's all over. A purely dramatic adrenaline rush worthy of praise, even if you can't understand half of what they're saying.
A-

Stay tuned for a special Countdown to Retribution edition of Ticket Stubs as I once again (I think this is the fourth time I've re-issued the damned thing) make an update to the Resident Sequel issue of Welcome to the Dead Parade. You know me, Ticketholders...always gotta keep the crossovers coming. See you next time in THREEEEEE DEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!