Just the Ticket #47: A Little Piece of...
Well, my local video store didn't have A Game Of Shadows in stock today, so I had to settle for the next thing (notice which word is missing there).
A Little Piece of Shit--oops, I mean A Little Bit of Heaven. Sorry, my fingers are suffering from HTS this evening. That's Honest Tourette's Syndrome for the clueless among you.
Anyway, A Little Bit of Heaven is named after the little male escort (Peter Dinklage, The Station Agent, reviewed here) hired to entertain Kate Hudson's (The Skeleton Key, reviewed here) dying ad executive in this too-heavy romantic comedy about what to do when you run out of time to do all the things you ever wanted.
Hudson is back to copying the goofy, doe-eyed blonde that worked so well for mother Goldie Hawn in her heyday, but trying to squeeze it into the man-hungry powersuit so frequently worn by the likes of Sarrica Parker in every sub-par rom-com over the past decade. Be prepared for a barrage of hyphens in the rant to come, folks!
The "twist" to Heaven is that the loopy man-eater is dying of late-stage cancer discovered during a colonoscopy by doctor/love interest Gael Garcia Bernal (The Motorcycle Diaries). As a result, B-movie dramatists like Treat Williams (Lifetime's Against the Wall), who plays Hudson's father, get to show just how B-movie monotonous they are and legends like Kathy Bates (of Harry's Law, here playing Hudson's mother) and Alan Dale (Lost and Person Of Interest, here playing a cancer specialist) are left to flounder in small, uncomfortable supporting roles.
Heaven even has the token Magical Negro you find in today's rom-coms; in this case, the "magical" part can be taken literally. Providing wisdom, comfort, the occasional chortle, and three wishes (would you like to shoot me now, or wait 'til you get home?) is none other than God, played not by Morgan "The Olympics is no place for dumbasses, you dumbass" Freeman, but by Whoopi "I took this role because I desperately needed the extra five bucks" Goldberg. At one point, Hudson says that the only way to see God is with an anal probe and a morphine shooter. So, children; this is why you should say no to drugs and rape, okay?
The movie is romantic and funny, but the whole death by cancer thing (yes, even colon cancer) weighs down nearly all of the jokes and leaves one feeling awkward, like listening to an Eminem record or watching Mel Gibson in The Beaver or reruns of Two and A Half Men with Charlie Sheen.
D-
Next issue, Greg Kinnear and Billy Crudup are skating on Thin Ice. Stay tuned as always, and remember:
When you go to rent movies at Safeway, they don't have what you want.
When they don't have what you want, you rent A Little Bit Of Heaven.
When you rent A Little Bit Of Heaven, you wonder why you rented A Little Bit Of Heaven.
And when you wonder why you rented A Little Bit Of Heaven, you end up watching reruns of Two and A Half Men with Charlie Sheen.
Don't end up watching reruns of Two and A Half Men with Charlie Sheen.
Switch to NetFlix.
Oh, and here's a little joke to share with your friends:
Why does it suck to be an egg?
Because you only get laid once,
You only get eaten once,
It takes you 10 minutes to get hard but only three minutes to get soft,
You have to share the same box with 11 other guys,
And the only woman who gets to sit on your face is your mother.
Goodnight.
Anyway, A Little Bit of Heaven is named after the little male escort (Peter Dinklage, The Station Agent, reviewed here) hired to entertain Kate Hudson's (The Skeleton Key, reviewed here) dying ad executive in this too-heavy romantic comedy about what to do when you run out of time to do all the things you ever wanted.
Hudson is back to copying the goofy, doe-eyed blonde that worked so well for mother Goldie Hawn in her heyday, but trying to squeeze it into the man-hungry powersuit so frequently worn by the likes of Sarrica Parker in every sub-par rom-com over the past decade. Be prepared for a barrage of hyphens in the rant to come, folks!
The "twist" to Heaven is that the loopy man-eater is dying of late-stage cancer discovered during a colonoscopy by doctor/love interest Gael Garcia Bernal (The Motorcycle Diaries). As a result, B-movie dramatists like Treat Williams (Lifetime's Against the Wall), who plays Hudson's father, get to show just how B-movie monotonous they are and legends like Kathy Bates (of Harry's Law, here playing Hudson's mother) and Alan Dale (Lost and Person Of Interest, here playing a cancer specialist) are left to flounder in small, uncomfortable supporting roles.
Heaven even has the token Magical Negro you find in today's rom-coms; in this case, the "magical" part can be taken literally. Providing wisdom, comfort, the occasional chortle, and three wishes (would you like to shoot me now, or wait 'til you get home?) is none other than God, played not by Morgan "The Olympics is no place for dumbasses, you dumbass" Freeman, but by Whoopi "I took this role because I desperately needed the extra five bucks" Goldberg. At one point, Hudson says that the only way to see God is with an anal probe and a morphine shooter. So, children; this is why you should say no to drugs and rape, okay?
The movie is romantic and funny, but the whole death by cancer thing (yes, even colon cancer) weighs down nearly all of the jokes and leaves one feeling awkward, like listening to an Eminem record or watching Mel Gibson in The Beaver or reruns of Two and A Half Men with Charlie Sheen.
D-
Next issue, Greg Kinnear and Billy Crudup are skating on Thin Ice. Stay tuned as always, and remember:
When you go to rent movies at Safeway, they don't have what you want.
When they don't have what you want, you rent A Little Bit Of Heaven.
When you rent A Little Bit Of Heaven, you wonder why you rented A Little Bit Of Heaven.
And when you wonder why you rented A Little Bit Of Heaven, you end up watching reruns of Two and A Half Men with Charlie Sheen.
Don't end up watching reruns of Two and A Half Men with Charlie Sheen.
Switch to NetFlix.
Oh, and here's a little joke to share with your friends:
Why does it suck to be an egg?
Because you only get laid once,
You only get eaten once,
It takes you 10 minutes to get hard but only three minutes to get soft,
You have to share the same box with 11 other guys,
And the only woman who gets to sit on your face is your mother.
Goodnight.
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