NPO #29: February Madness...In March

Article by Sean Wilkinson,
a.k.a. A Glutton For Poll-nishment

Sorry for the PUNishment, Ticketholders. But some of you out there deserve it for misunderstanding your assignment in February. For those who didn't participate in the poll last month, I did a tournament poll of fictional women from various popular songs. The contenders, presented here in alphabetical order, were:

• "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson
• Dani the Girl from "Scar Tissue," "By the Way," and "Dani California" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
• Eileen from "Come On, Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners
• Jenny from "867-5309" by Tommy TuTone
• "Jesse's Girl" by Rick Springfield
• "Jolene" by Dolly Parton
• "Lady Marmalade" by Patti LaBelle
• "Lola" by The Kinks
• "Mandy" by Barry Manilow
• "Polyphene Pam" by The Beatles
• "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac
• Rosie, from "Whole Lotta Rosie" by AC/DC
• "Roxanne" by The Police
• Sharona from "My Sharona" by The Knack
• "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains Of Wayne
• Virginia from "Meet Virginia" by Train

Before we get into my breakdown and analysis of the results of this five-week tournament poll, please remember to comment me a piece of your mind at the bottom of this post, Become A Ticketholder because I know you haven't already, help out my ad revenue as you read, and follow me on Tumblr, Reddit, Facebook, and LinkedIn to like what you see and to receive the latest news on my content.

Okay, so week one saw my voters possibly being distracted from their assignment by Dolly Parton's chest because they voted for the man-stealing Jolene over Rhiannon (a free-spirited wiccan), Billie Jean (a "beauty queen from the movie screen" who wants to raise her illegitimate child with you), and Mandy (who "came and...gave without taking," and was my vote for the first round).

Then, we get to week two, which started a three-week trend of ties because the Universe hates me.

Round Two was kind of the "Idealized Women Who Make You Horny" week, and even though I voted for Stacy's Mom (who's "got it goin' on" and is "all that I've wanted," and I don't find it as creepy as it was from the band's perspective because I have no interest in Stacy herself), I have no problem with my Ticketholders voting for the idealized Jesse's Girl (because "where can I find a woman like that?") and Eileen (who is kind of a cougar-ish Woman In Red character described in some pretty sexually explicit lyrics for its time, and if you take the comma out of the title and account for the accelerated repetition of the chorus at the end, the masturbation innuendo is pretty obvious...) over the incel-inciting Sharona (who "makes my motor run" despite not being able to "give me some time").

Again in Round Three, there was a tie, this time with more votes because I actually remembered to share the poll, unlike in Round Two. And like in Round Two, this "Ladies Of the Evening" poll was not that disappointing despite my vote going to Jenny instead of the classic retiree, Roxanne, or the soul sister from old New Orleans, Lady Marmalade. This does not apply to Jolene, but the classics deserve their due in this case.

A third tie happened in Round Four (which I called the "Wild Picks" round because it featured a wildcard that I forgot about even though it's from one of my favorite bands and has lore spanning at least three songs, and because the other four are from songs with unusual lyrics). Again, not totally mad at this one because my wildcard tied with Lola, the transgender prostitute from old Soho ("where they drink champagne that tastes just like cherry co-la"). But there was just something about Virginia that hit the intersection of weird and sexy for me, so I voted for her. Plus, it takes a badass to exercise in high heels, so there you go....

Then, we get to the Final Round, and just like it did with the first season of Chucky, F is for Finale. Also, F is for "Fuck you people!" because the man-stealing Jolene beat out everyone else, including the ideal "Jesse's Girl," the fuckable cougar in a red dress, Eileen (who may or may not have a certain white substance on said dress by the time the song is over), no less than three legendary ladies of the evening (Lola, Lady Marmalade, and Roxanne), and Dani the "Southern girl with a scarlet drawl" who sings "songs to me beneath the marquee," and...probably...shot herself? That ended super-dark! At least there's that lyric about "simultaneous release" that has a sexual connotation, right? Or is that about suicide, too?

Anyway, my point is that even though I don't want it to happen, I fully expect Donald Trump to become President again and turn this country into a flaming trashcan full of conspiracy theory documents, bootleg DVDs of Song Of the South, and hoarded copies of Mein Kampf because you stupid assholes don't know how to vote properly.

I'm not saying you should vote with me (or God forbid, vote for me), but at least cast a vote that makes sense. Like, don't vote for Jolene! Jolene's a bitch. Desirable from a purely aesthetic standpoint, sure; but she stole another woman's one and only true love, which makes her a bitch. And if I had my choice of bitches from song, I'd rather go with Meredith Brooks, thank you very much,

Not that I expect you to because it hasn't made a shit of difference to say so since 2012, but please remember to comment me a piece of your mind at the bottom of this post, Become A Ticketholder because I know you haven't already, help out my ad revenue as you read, and follow me on Tumblr, Reddit, Facebook, and LinkedIn to like what you see and to receive the latest news on my content.

Ticketmaster,

Out Of My Mind.