Countdown to Hallows' Eve #6: Pulling the Wool "Clover" My Eyes
Six. Six. Six issues into the Countdown to Hallows' Eve event! Don't worry, Ticketholders. I'm not into Satanism. I just felt a spontaneous urge to type in the accent of the Count from Sesame Street. Is that better or worse? While you ponder that, I will be posting a retro-view FROM July 21, 2008 (SW@ Ticket #58: Pulling the Wool "Clover" My Eyes). At the time I was first re-posting this, I was still using MySpace as my chosen avenue of self-exhibition, and I was less than a year away from graduating from San Diego State University (barely). I had also decided to get what I deemed an "early start" on the job hunt. I use sarcastic quotes here because in hindsight I realize that a true early start would have involved me applying for an internship as soon as I was admitted, rather than waiting until seven years later when I had no major-relevant work experience and no further desire to apply my knowledge in my chosen field.
I had decided near the end of my stay at SDSU that I wanted to become a writer, and one job opportunity that I came across was to write a blog for Today.com. Now, seven years ago, Today.com was a site where you could (ideally) write one 1,000-word blog post a day and get paid a dollar per post (a laughable $31 per month at most). But despite the poor compensation, I signed on anyway because I felt the long-term potential would be enormous. I even had to submit something as an audition piece. They liked it, so I started blogging; about a month later, I was spreading news about my blog when one of my potential readers asked if I had signed any kind of contract with Today.com that protected my intellectual property. As soon as I got home, I looked on the site to see if there was anything like that and nothing screamed at me, so I deleted everything that hadn't already been automatically archived and restarted on MySpace.
Since then, I have traded MySpace for Google+ and Facebook, and Today.com has been decimated for the scam that it was and re-purposed as the new online home of NBC's Today Show.
Here, to return us to the right genre and keep the Countdown going, is the piece I submitted to the original Today.com:
Apparently, JJ Abrams, who co-penned Lost (hands down, my favorite TV show of all time) and is currently working on the next Star Trek movie, thought it would be a good idea to "Give New York its own Godzilla" and bring a dead film genre--the Monster Movie--back from the primordial depths of the ocean that is Shark-Jumping Hollywood. And when I saw the trailers for Cloverfield and noticed that the co-writer of my favorite show was also behind what a thirty-second commercial turned into the scariest, coolest concept film I had ever wanted to see, I, well, wanted to see it!
I was OK with the whole Blair Witch handheld-camera idea and the half-hour or so that was dedicated to some guy's farewell party. It's important in any scary movie (even one that only claims to be scary) to properly develop your characters before you have the baddie rip them all to pieces; it gives sort of a Shakespearean-drama quality to something that in better times, the Bard would be hesitant to wipe himself with, for the fear of catching some rare, creativity-crippling disease.
But after the farewell party, the story dissolves (or is frantically wadded up) into chaos. All Hell breaks loose and there's a whole lotta shakin' goin' on-and exploding, and running, and dying, and poorly-rendered crab-dog-monkey-spider-things causing the death of various minor characters and the exploding of various vital body parts-but no explanation of the monster's origins, no plot or development thereof, and none of the true suspense that I have come to love while watching Abrams' show. And I suppose that if I said all this to someone who liked Cloverfield, they would tell me that poor rendering and absence of plot are key elements when making a movie that "gives New York its own Godzilla." But didn't Hollywood already do that in a little remake called Godzilla, wherein the title lizard attacks New York? Hmmm.... Anyone want to ponder that? I didn't think so. Another problem is the "revitalize the Monster-Movie genre" premise. I mean, if you wanted to put the defibrillator paddles to the genre that Godzilla made famous, couldn't you come up with something a little less experimental and a little more impressive? Using Cloverfield as the vehicle to bring back Monster Movies is like a retired pro-wrestling legend coming back to the WWE: a steroid-injected, pointless, obviously fake gimmick that can only hobble so far.
F
Extras: The creature-design featurette sheds some light on what Clover (the larger, more destructive monster's moniker) is supposed to be and where it came from. But the other behind-the-scenes bonuses only frustrated me because amid all the usual scene breakdowns and spoiled techno-trickery, an assistant will periodically pop up and tell the cameraman to stop filming the featurettes, as this is a "secret location." The reason for my frustration was that, after asking myself when something different is going to happen, what I'm watching, and why I'm watching it, I found myself asking her "Why are you keeping this a secret?" If Cloverfield is the equivalent of a retired wrestler, keeping its development a secret is the equivalent of hiding said wrestler's steroid use from the public: anyone with sense and functioning eyeballs can see what the finished product will be, and they know it's going to be just plain wrong.
D-
If the Lyric Fits...:
"Everybody sees
and everyone agrees
that you and I are wrong,
and it's been that way too long.
Take it as it comes
and be thankful when it's done.
There are many ways to act
and we cannot take it back."
-The Raconteurs, "Many Shades of Black," Consolers Of the Lonely
With that little red wagon fixed, I again ask that you un-Clover your eyes and stay Hallowed for tomorrow night's installment of the Countdown, where I bring you the final review I posted before moving from MySpace to Blogger. Good night and Happy Halloween!
This Shark-Jumping Ticketmaster
is out of the tank.
I had decided near the end of my stay at SDSU that I wanted to become a writer, and one job opportunity that I came across was to write a blog for Today.com. Now, seven years ago, Today.com was a site where you could (ideally) write one 1,000-word blog post a day and get paid a dollar per post (a laughable $31 per month at most). But despite the poor compensation, I signed on anyway because I felt the long-term potential would be enormous. I even had to submit something as an audition piece. They liked it, so I started blogging; about a month later, I was spreading news about my blog when one of my potential readers asked if I had signed any kind of contract with Today.com that protected my intellectual property. As soon as I got home, I looked on the site to see if there was anything like that and nothing screamed at me, so I deleted everything that hadn't already been automatically archived and restarted on MySpace.
Since then, I have traded MySpace for Google+ and Facebook, and Today.com has been decimated for the scam that it was and re-purposed as the new online home of NBC's Today Show.
Here, to return us to the right genre and keep the Countdown going, is the piece I submitted to the original Today.com:
Apparently, JJ Abrams, who co-penned Lost (hands down, my favorite TV show of all time) and is currently working on the next Star Trek movie, thought it would be a good idea to "Give New York its own Godzilla" and bring a dead film genre--the Monster Movie--back from the primordial depths of the ocean that is Shark-Jumping Hollywood. And when I saw the trailers for Cloverfield and noticed that the co-writer of my favorite show was also behind what a thirty-second commercial turned into the scariest, coolest concept film I had ever wanted to see, I, well, wanted to see it!
I was OK with the whole Blair Witch handheld-camera idea and the half-hour or so that was dedicated to some guy's farewell party. It's important in any scary movie (even one that only claims to be scary) to properly develop your characters before you have the baddie rip them all to pieces; it gives sort of a Shakespearean-drama quality to something that in better times, the Bard would be hesitant to wipe himself with, for the fear of catching some rare, creativity-crippling disease.
But after the farewell party, the story dissolves (or is frantically wadded up) into chaos. All Hell breaks loose and there's a whole lotta shakin' goin' on-and exploding, and running, and dying, and poorly-rendered crab-dog-monkey-spider-things causing the death of various minor characters and the exploding of various vital body parts-but no explanation of the monster's origins, no plot or development thereof, and none of the true suspense that I have come to love while watching Abrams' show. And I suppose that if I said all this to someone who liked Cloverfield, they would tell me that poor rendering and absence of plot are key elements when making a movie that "gives New York its own Godzilla." But didn't Hollywood already do that in a little remake called Godzilla, wherein the title lizard attacks New York? Hmmm.... Anyone want to ponder that? I didn't think so. Another problem is the "revitalize the Monster-Movie genre" premise. I mean, if you wanted to put the defibrillator paddles to the genre that Godzilla made famous, couldn't you come up with something a little less experimental and a little more impressive? Using Cloverfield as the vehicle to bring back Monster Movies is like a retired pro-wrestling legend coming back to the WWE: a steroid-injected, pointless, obviously fake gimmick that can only hobble so far.
F
Extras: The creature-design featurette sheds some light on what Clover (the larger, more destructive monster's moniker) is supposed to be and where it came from. But the other behind-the-scenes bonuses only frustrated me because amid all the usual scene breakdowns and spoiled techno-trickery, an assistant will periodically pop up and tell the cameraman to stop filming the featurettes, as this is a "secret location." The reason for my frustration was that, after asking myself when something different is going to happen, what I'm watching, and why I'm watching it, I found myself asking her "Why are you keeping this a secret?" If Cloverfield is the equivalent of a retired wrestler, keeping its development a secret is the equivalent of hiding said wrestler's steroid use from the public: anyone with sense and functioning eyeballs can see what the finished product will be, and they know it's going to be just plain wrong.
D-
If the Lyric Fits...:
"Everybody sees
and everyone agrees
that you and I are wrong,
and it's been that way too long.
Take it as it comes
and be thankful when it's done.
There are many ways to act
and we cannot take it back."
-The Raconteurs, "Many Shades of Black," Consolers Of the Lonely
With that little red wagon fixed, I again ask that you un-Clover your eyes and stay Hallowed for tomorrow night's installment of the Countdown, where I bring you the final review I posted before moving from MySpace to Blogger. Good night and Happy Halloween!
This Shark-Jumping Ticketmaster
is out of the tank.
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