Welcome To the Dead Parade #7: Brainless Fare, Mindless Fun
An unusual title for the latest Dead Parade, isn't it? I mean, zombies are supposed to die without brains aren't they? Well, whether I'm making any sense so far or not I have to keep writing because if you give a thousand zombies a thousand typewriters, they have to write the next great American novel eventually. I have yet to see Re-Kill for sale or download anywhere, but while the lobotomized literary lords of the world were bashing away at their keyboards, my Dead Parade visited two other undead selections from the After Dark Horrorfest 4: Hidden 3D and Zombies of Mass Destruction.
The brainless fare this week is Hidden 3D, in which a deceased scientist's son inherits the family rehab center, only to find himself and his friends in a honeypot, at the mercy of flesh-eating creatures that have taken over the hospital.
The concept is unique, but at times comes off as too smart for its own good: in an effort to completely cure her patients' addictions (and get away from the traditional zombie), the scientist in question has used genetically engineered venom from a local rare species of firefly (the only 3D element to Hidden 3D, which is done at about the same quality as the effects in the 3D Nightmare on Elm Street movie 21 years ago), injected into the brain, to make their addictions manifest physically. Of course, the experiment goes wrong and the female patients begin giving birth to psychic, cannibalistic bug-children. Uhhh (checking to see if I wrote that correctly--psychic, check; cannibalistic, check; bug-children, check)....Oookaayyyyy. Note to self: stop writing nonsensical crap.
After all this laughable information is dumped into your head during the first two minutes or so by reporter Annie Cliche (oh great, a character with a pun for a name. Did Carmen San Diego lose one of her henchman by any chance? I can't believe I just made that reference, Gumshoes!), the pawns arrive at the hospital and fall victim to the typical slasher-movie motions for the next hour-fifteen, followed by a predictable and ridiculous conclusion.
Not only is this movie too smart for its own good, it's also too stupid to be any good.
D-
On to the mindless fun, folks! At first glance, Zombies of Mass Destruction looks like one of the worst zombie movies ever made, from the cheesy-perfect townsfolk and ridiculous amounts of gore to the sledgehammer-blatant religious and political commentary (frequently so blatant that it exceeds the definition of commentary and goes so far as to push an extreme partisan agenda). Every character, when not of the walking dead, is a walking cliche: Gay Couple Coming Out To Mom, Arabic Restaurant Owner's Rebellious Daughter, "Pray Away the Gay" Priest, Terrorist-Hating Southern Survivalist, Bingo-Playing Senior Citizen, Self-Serving Mayor, and the band plays on.
But with a title presentation like what appears at the beginning of ZMD, you can tell that writer/director Kevin Hamedani is going over the top on purpose. Sure, ZMD is a poorly acted, campy, blood-soaked, uber-political cliche, but it is also a sign that Hamedani loves old zombie movies. His actors shout and gesture wildly, chop off zombie limbs that continue to move on their own, and nail boards over the doors and windows, and otherwise pay homage to the likes of Night of the Living Dead and the original Return trilogy.
And in a welcome twist, ZMD is the first time I was actually scared by a slow-moving zombie on multiple occasions, and the first time I saw a zombie movie with a happy ending. Great work, Kevin!
A+
Good News: Next issue, another Just the Ticket first as I actually buy a movie ticket (an old SW@ Ticket Birthday tradition) to bring you a review of The Avengers.
The concept is unique, but at times comes off as too smart for its own good: in an effort to completely cure her patients' addictions (and get away from the traditional zombie), the scientist in question has used genetically engineered venom from a local rare species of firefly (the only 3D element to Hidden 3D, which is done at about the same quality as the effects in the 3D Nightmare on Elm Street movie 21 years ago), injected into the brain, to make their addictions manifest physically. Of course, the experiment goes wrong and the female patients begin giving birth to psychic, cannibalistic bug-children. Uhhh (checking to see if I wrote that correctly--psychic, check; cannibalistic, check; bug-children, check)....Oookaayyyyy. Note to self: stop writing nonsensical crap.
After all this laughable information is dumped into your head during the first two minutes or so by reporter Annie Cliche (oh great, a character with a pun for a name. Did Carmen San Diego lose one of her henchman by any chance? I can't believe I just made that reference, Gumshoes!), the pawns arrive at the hospital and fall victim to the typical slasher-movie motions for the next hour-fifteen, followed by a predictable and ridiculous conclusion.
Not only is this movie too smart for its own good, it's also too stupid to be any good.
D-
But with a title presentation like what appears at the beginning of ZMD, you can tell that writer/director Kevin Hamedani is going over the top on purpose. Sure, ZMD is a poorly acted, campy, blood-soaked, uber-political cliche, but it is also a sign that Hamedani loves old zombie movies. His actors shout and gesture wildly, chop off zombie limbs that continue to move on their own, and nail boards over the doors and windows, and otherwise pay homage to the likes of Night of the Living Dead and the original Return trilogy.
And in a welcome twist, ZMD is the first time I was actually scared by a slow-moving zombie on multiple occasions, and the first time I saw a zombie movie with a happy ending. Great work, Kevin!
A+
Good News: Next issue, another Just the Ticket first as I actually buy a movie ticket (an old SW@ Ticket Birthday tradition) to bring you a review of The Avengers.
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